So you got dragged to a game of hockey by your friends, but you’re not exactly the biggest fan? Talk about relatable! Here are seven things you can do to keep yourself from going cryogenic in MSU’s coldest cul-de-sac:
7.) Do the Ice Bucket Challenge nude and with a tub of scorching hot coals:
Not feeling like you can do much more than catch some Zs as the puck flies around the room? Well, here’s an easy way to wake yourself up: simply wait for the break between Periods 2 and 3, stand in the middle of heavy pedestrian traffic in that upper-walkway where all the vendors are, and rapidly strip off all your clothes before dumping a steaming hot tub of fiery coals all over your naked flesh. Now that’s sure to make you go viral (and warm you up in the icy air)!
6.) Wait by the Tim Horton’s so that when customers purchase some Timbits, you can walk up to them, wink, and open your jacket to reveal a bag of Krusteaz that you quickly inhale:
Think you’re gonna offer them some? No way, José! Take the patron for a ride by twisting their expectations in half and, upon revealing the Kroger grocery bag of Krusteaz in your jacket, immediately bringing out a red-and-white striped straw and treating yourself to the snort of a lifetime. This’ll surely kill a few minutes, minimum.
5.) Hijack the announcers’ booth to interrupt the commentary after every play:
A regularly-commentated hockey game? Snoo-ooze! Spice things up by breaking your way into the commentators’ booth and donning a RadioShack headset to frequently and exuberantly shout, “And it’s sure to go straight to video!” every time every single player does anything.
4.) Spice up the rink:
Nothing will entertain you or the audience more than when you sneak out along with the Zamboni and use both hands to emotionlessly squirt gobs of Newman’s Own all over the glass partition, and then pick up a rake still covered in autumn foliage to mechanically and calmly scrape the dressing away with a piercing, howling grind.
3.) Collect the ice for UNICEF:
No good deed goes un-lavished! Wile away the hours by going up to every corner of the rink and bending over to scoop every little bit of ice you can and store it all in that famous orange box. The ice will surely make poor children all over the world happy.
2.) Amicably put your arm around the worst player’s shoulders and tell him “this one’s on me”:
There’s nothing better for fending off fatigue than putting a loving arm around the shoulders of the team’s absolute worst player, then shambling beside him as he heads to the box, assuring him that this one’s “on me” and that he should “step aside” and let you “take the ice for a bit.” His surprise will be tripled when he finds out you are indeterminately worse at hockey than he was and get instantly sent flying to the roof.
1.) Have your clone break through the ice:
Nothing like ruining a moment that the game has been building and building towards, stretching the players’ and the audience’s anticipation, to suddenly have the giant Jumbotron cut to static before showing a spot of the ice that is bubbling and roiling as, out of a bright red light, an exact clone of you bursts through the rink sending several confused players sprawling. Now you’re sure to kick boredom to the curb as you pull out a handkerchief and burst into tears, running down the stands to the middle of the ice, where the game was so close to finishing, and making everybody wait as you effusively kiss, hug, and do-si-do your clone, reunited after all these years. Added bonus if you tip the tech guy to play dramatic violin music and shower rose petals in the middle of the long, long, never-ending scene.
If you have any other ideas, don’t be afraid to get creative. Anything to keep that puck from turning into a hypnotist’s watch that’ll lull you into a dreamless snooze!
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