The Black Sheep can bet that you’ve dramatically struggled to reach something at some point in your life. You know who can flawlessly touch the rim of the basketball hoop or reach that jewelry box of their enemy’s ashes from on top of the fridge? You guessed it, our favorite freshman MSU basketball player, Jaren Jackson! Here are seven things he can help you reach any day.
7.) A lone Tide Pod lying on the top of the shelf in your laundry room:
Damn, you did it again! You forgot spaghetti is supposed to go in your mouth, and now it’s all over your white sweater. Can’t reach that Tide pod to give it a wash? Have no fear, Jaren Jackson’s arms are longer than the average human leg and can assist you with getting that pod! Such a gentleman!
6.) The spider in the top left corner of your room:
That buggy, sick son-of-a-bitch has been watching you, and you’re starting to think the spider is spying on you for the government. We can only bet that Jaren doesn’t approve of unsanctioned surveillance, being the moral man that he is, and will surely kill that spider. Maybe he’ll even eat it as a post-basketball practice workout. Who knows. He’s a man of mystery.
5.) The top of your tall stepdad’s head because you know he’s wearing a toupee:
Your mom refuses to believe it, but you know it’s true. If only you could reach high enough to swipe that clump of fake hair off his flaky scalp and reveal who he truly is. But wait! You can! Here comes Jaren, sprinting past your stepdad, scooping the toupee off his head without slowing his pace, because he’s really in shape and throwing it out the nearest window. What an athlete!
4.) Your escaped pet gecko that suctioned itself to your ceiling:
Goddammit, not again! Last time you had to get your gecko, Tom Izzo, off from your ceiling you had to call in the paramedics. No need for that catastrophe! Jaren happens to love geckos and can easily reach! A holy man!
3.) That one exit sign you always tried to jump and tap in middle school:
Puberty didn’t do you any favors, and you still can’t hit that exit sign. You know who can? Jaren can, and probably with his face. He will use his lengthy powers for good, never evil. He hit puberty during his mom’s 3rd month of pregnancy.
2.) That one cloud that you think looks like something naughty:
Jaren to the rescue! With a flick of the wrist, the cloud will be gone and you can go back to thinking your pure, virgin thoughts. What a guy!
1.) The chocolate on your upper lip you’re unaware of and can’t seem to wipe off:
Wait…is this getting…romantic? Jaren, you bad, bad boy.
Remember when you’re feeling short, that there’s something really tall. And yes, we mean Jaren Jackson, our sweet prince. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! It’s just Jaren Jackson’s hand really high up in the air!