8 Fresh Hells for Freshman to Discover on MSU’s Campus

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Everyone went to AOP and had the chance to sample a sweet slice of the campus that you’ll soon call home. Your tour guide in khaki cargos took you all of the the fancy landmarks and schmoozed you with the quality meals at Case’s cafeteria. But while they were reading from a brochure tucked into one of the 15 pockets set in their modest trousers, they forgot to mention all the nuances that make this campus tick. Don’t worry little ones, The Black Sheep will fill you in:

Wells Hall:
Better known as Satan’s Playground, and ironically enough, the home of everyone’s favorite preacher. This building is a constant clusterfuck of everyone on campus struggling to wade their way through a sea of bodies en route to their respective 10:20 classes. At least you can sip on some Starbucks while the Wells Hall Preacher screams to you about how damned you are. Now there’s a silver lining.

Bikers:
A unique breed that reeks of arrogance and misdirection. Even bikers start to hate bikers after their precious bikes are stolen. The bike lanes that stretch from Shaw to Farm are somehow always empty, while instead we all share the sidewalks trying not to get plowed by some dillhole in a Patagonia mounting his golden Schwinn.

The Farm Lane Walk Sign:
If you ever find yourself crossing Farm Lane on your way to campus (which you will), then you’ll have the great misfortune of meeting the Farm Lane Walk Sign. He spends his days incessantly coaching you across the busy intersection that is Farm and Auditorium. That monotone voice will ring in your ears for days, “FARM LANE WALK SIGN, FARM LANE WALK SIGN, FARM LANE WALK SIGN.” We get it man, you’re loud and needy.

PACE:
Park And Code Enforcement? More like Pompous Asshats Crushing Everyone. These boners are out to rob you of every dollar you don’t have, and they’ve got a shit-eating smile on while they do it. Grubby grubbers will get you with a ticket if your grass is half an inch taller than it’s regulated to be. The general consensus about those bitter boys in brown is that they need to get laid, the only problem is that no one will do it.

People Who Get Two Glasses of Milk and Two Glasses of Blue Powerade at Every Meal:
Know that we will always be curious about your motives, but also know we do NOT like what you’re doing.

The Vet Med:
This building is far from everything and smells like 118 horses. So unless you live in Holmes or are super  into the scents of equestrian life, then this is not going to be the ideal place to be for your Psych 101 class.

Sparty’s Coffee:
There is no liquid more disgusting than the unfiltered sludge Sparty’s employees pour into those green cups and pawn off as something called “Spartan Spirit.” We all drink it, but we wince in pain as the grounds slide down our throats while our insides prepare for the voluntary havoc we’re about to wreak upon them. It’s necessary to add extra creamer to cancel out the flavors of sheer mutiny.

ISS Classes:
Unless you got a 5 on some random AP class you took in high school, you’ll have to take two of these and neither of them will be interesting. Don’t let the titles fool you, “Underwater Warlords of Ancient China” won’t be cool, and your professor will be like 100 years old and have questionable facial hair.    

So freshmen, we welcome you with open arms, and tips to avoid these and other nuisances you’ll find on campus. C’mon, we can’t give them all away. Where’s the fun in that?