U of M likes to bully us – they push us down, pull our hair, and call us mean names, just like a schoolyard bully. But just like mom always told us, it’s just because they like like us! Here are eight reasons we know this to be true:
8.) The brick buildings on U of M’s campus:
There’s nothing more salient to show the possible butterflies in U of M’s stomach than closely observing the gradual turn from terra-cotta orange, to burgundy brown, to bright red blushing scarlet on a UMich brick building when a delinquent Spartan is in town.
7.) The MSU registrar keeps getting weird notes:
The Registrar’s Office keeps getting odd notes in the mail saying “over 485 conference wins total!! So suck on that!!” in big, nasty letters, over “do you wanna hang out sometime” in small, more hesitant letters. The mixed signals are through the roof considering how many reams and reams of unsigned, wax-sealed pink envelopes our Registrar’s Office continues to receive daily, all of which declare an aggressive statement like “a wolverine’s bite cannot be healed” over a seemingly turn-of-tone statement, like “you know your campus looks really good in evening shade.”
6.) Michigan’s Tinder has vague comments about how the “grass is greener and, you know, haha, whiter” on the other side:
A head scratcher emerges when one stops to examine the Tinder page for the University of Michigan. Seemingly aloof and carefree, the description seems to hint at something more when comments like “looking for an east of Lansing type of university” and “I love MSU” seem to subtly abound.
5.) Jim Harbaugh’s patronus is an image of Zeke getting delicately massaged by Stu Pickles:
Alright, we can’t explain the Rugrats part so well, but we’re sure it’s not just a coincidence that one of Spartan Stadium’s star icons appears in the Patronus of UMich coach Jim Harbaugh whenever he tearfully conjures it up.
4.) Overnight, the IM Circle locker room was covered toe-to-toe in 38 x 24 gloss posters of a wolverine blowing a kiss:
It’s getting harder and harder for us to just write this off as pure circumstance when IM Circle’s locker room is wall-to-wall plastered with posters of a blue-and-maize wolverine winking and batting his big beautiful eyelashes over a caption that says, “Anytime, sweetcakes.”
3.) When Mark Schlissel poses a question at a University President Workshop, if Lou Anna K. Simon answers he says, “Wow, are you, like, reading my mind?”:
We can’t help but wonder if Cupid’s arrow has struck a heart when we observe University of Michigan president Mark Schlissel over-aggressively validating Simon’s answer, then holding his hand up for a high-five in front of every university president in the country.
2.) Whenever Ann Arbor’s local news station talks about UMich and MSU’s deep-seated rivalry, the TV accidentally cuts to two lovers swimming in a French ravine:
We’re really finding it difficult to look at this in other ways. It’s just that whenever a local Ann Arbor sports anchor starts giving viewers a debrief on the history of UM and MSU, it seems oddly specific to then cut to footage of gondoliers and rose petals and swimming paire d’amoureux, especially when set to lavish harp-sonatas.
1.) The MSU Crushes Twitter Has a Lot of Tweets Ending With “Yours Truly, -The University of Mich- I Mean Girl in Organic Chem.”:
Something seems fishy when the tweets on what is essentially an anonymous bulletin board are given a sign-off that corrects itself halfway through.
If this isn’t enough evidence for you, just wait until football season next year when the Wolverines invade campus (most likely with a bottle of wine and some chocolate-covered strawberries). They’ll be sure to woo us then!