The old saying, “New Year, new me” is used more loosely than a blown-out butthole after a massive shit. MSU students are fed up with the catastrophe that was 2016, and quite frankly, they demand change, especially after things like:
8.) Cover to Get Into an Empty Bar:
When the only people inside of the bar are an old couple groping each other in the corner while listening to the Mamma Mia! Soundtrack, and there’s a poor college student desperate enough for the cheap thrill of alcoholic beverages, then maybe you should just let them in for free.
7.) Angry CATA Bus Drivers:
We get it! Driving around a busload of smelly twenty-year-olds that haven’t showered since Thanksgiving is not the best job in the world. Instead of being a bitch about it, how about making a New Year’s resolution to make your riders feel good with some free beer. Your riders will thank you, and hell, you can even have some yourself, too, once your replacement comes in.
6.) The Entire Department Responsible for ISS and IAH Classes:
These classes are torture! They’re greater torture than the end of Abbot Rd. Conrad’s (and we’re running low on Conrad’s in the area). The Spartans have not experienced more pain than these classes since the shutout loss to Alabama. Speaking of which…
5.) Losing Football Games:
We were supposed to be good by now! That’s the only reason we came to this school – to ride on the coattails of success we didn’t actually contribute to, in hopes that our insecure lives will be better. Dantonio, please whip those boys back into shape so we can restore our lost glimmer of hope. The only 3-9 records we want to see in 2017 are from Michigan.
4.) Loud Dorm Room Sex:
If we can hear every stroke from the sixth floor of Holmes, and they’re boning in Case two miles away, then we have a problem. If you are that much of a screamer, invest in the MSU basketball method of quitting in the first round.
3.) Running Out of Cookies in Brody Square:
If we want thirteen cookies after flunking out only a week into classes, then dammit, we’ve earned it. How dare you deny us our right to feel free on this campus? That’s almost as ridiculous as standing outside Wells Hall and screaming at people, saying they‘re going to hell. Oh, wait – never mind.
2.) The Dean’s List:
Better yet, let’s just get rid grades entirely. This is MSU. Spartans will? Right? Why do we even need to tell everyone the difference between the slackers and the achievers? At the end of the day, the only thing anyone cares about is who won beer pong at the last tailgate on M.A.C. Avenue. The Dean’s List needs to go in 2017.
1.) The MSU Library:
No one has even been inside of the place. What do they do there all day? Seeing that building stand there every day makes MSU students upset. Why waste a perfectly great lot of land that could be used for something more useful, like another bar, or literally anything except a library? It just doesn’t make sense to us, which is why it needs to disappear in 2017.
The world will be a better place once we get rid of these disgraces in 2017, and celebrate like only Spartans can. We hope to make 2017 the best year for MSU since the 2000 National Championship.