It’s that time of year again: time to clean out the closet, clear out the cupboards, and scrub out the stains. That’s right, it’s spring cleaning. Be warned, you may be shocked by the downright weird things you forgot, or never knew, you had tucked away all winter.
8.) Half Empty Bottles of Alcohol:
My, how the collection on the liquor shelf has grown over the year. We’re sure you’ll drink the last tablespoon of Smirnoff someone left behind at your house once; there’s no need to waste alcohol. Save it for later and add it to the shelf.
7.) A Dusty Textbook:
You probably used this textbook once three months ago, when you were still telling yourself you weren’t going to be a piece of shit this semester, and it’s likely you haven’t seen it since. It’s not unusual to have completely forgotten about its existence entirely, considering you sort of blacked out the day you bought it at SBS for 1 billion dollars.
6.) That One Hat You Were Looking for All Winter:
No wonder you were cold as balls walking to class all winter long! Exposing your head to the harsh winds of the East Lansing tundra every day on the way to class. Okay, every three days.
5.) So Many Lighters:
They’re not there when you need them, and they turn up once you don’t! Those sneaky little devils could pop up anywhere – in a jar on that shelf, under your pillow, who knows. They leave and enter our lives faster than the flicker they provide for lighting our doobs.
4.) An Adult Coloring Book Page You Never Finished:
Seriously, that would have taken like two years to finish. It was fun while it lasted, but once your hand started cramping up and you started getting sick of the color blue, it was time to move on. We’re sure you’ll come back to it someday.
3.) An Unclaimed Pair of Banana Boxers:
It’s hard to say who these orphaned undies could belong to. Maybe your TA left them when you had that “private tutoring” sesh. Then again, there was that booty call with the guy from the bench and the thing you had with that Uber driver for a while. We guess we’ll never know.
2.) One Billion Plastic Grocery Bags:
Why? Why are there always so many plastic grocery bags stuffed inside other plastic grocery bags? Save a few, okay, but one billion? Come on Meijer, come on QD, think of the earth, bag that plastic!
1.) One Baby Hand:
How did it get there? Where did it come from? These are questions we’ll never know the answers to. The scary thing is, the other one is still out there somewhere.
It’s good to give your life a good clean in the spring. It clears away the clutter, refreshes the soul, and brings out the disturbing memories of shit you hoarded away this winter. And, as always, for the things you don’t feel like dealing with? Just sweep ‘em under the rug.
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