It was announced yesterday that Michigan State will be raising tuition once again. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just push a button and automatically gain the financial privilege of a Baby Boomer when it comes to paying for tuition? No work required for the button, you don’t have to break into Lou Anna K. Simon’s secret dungeon under Hannah Administration in a ninja suit dodging laser beams. It’s just kind of there, exactly like how the condescending old folk were just kind of born into their dirt-cheap college costs. What does this button specifically mean? Well, your estimated $14,063 paid in tuition each year and $56,250 over 4 years would be sized down to $10,340 over 4 years (adjusted for inflation).
This leaves you with $45,910 that you didn’t plan on having. What should you do with all of this extra money? We have some killer suggestions.
5,738 Pairs of Jim Harbaugh’s ugly Khakis:
Unfortunately Jim recently sold out for some sexy new modern fit Khakis, but that doesn’t mean you can’t build yourself up a little bit of a stockpile of the ones he made famous during his days of fighting Jim Schwartz and losing Super Bowls to his brother. How nice would it be to have a brand new pair of $8 stylish khakis every single day for the next 15 years? They would go out of style and back in again a bare minimum of 3 times.
918 CATA bus passes so there’s less people:
Have you ever missed the 31 bus in the winter because a bunch of kids would rather wait at the stop for 25 minutes instead of walk 5? Do you ever feel annoyed having to stand up while the driver that listens to Infowars viciously jerks the bus around? Buy out 918 of the bus passes to reduce the grand total of riders. Obviously some will pay the $0.60 each time, but any reduction of people on those busses makes your world a more peaceful place.
4,591,000 pony rides on “Sandy” at the Okemos Meijer:
Possibly the biggest bargain in the history of the human race, you could ride Sandy the pony 4,591,000, and with 30 seconds per ride, you would be riding along for over 4 years. That’s right, you could complete your entire reduced-price degree while riding on an electronic pony. Beware of Meijer trying to pay you to leave so they don’t have to buy another pony for actual kids. That’s letting them win.
Sponsor 7 Baby Boomers at LCC for 4 years:
Lansing Community College only charges $49.50 per credit hour for students that are over 62 years old and living in the Lansing district. Now, instead of LCC kids pretending that they go to MSU, you can have Baby Boomers that go around making it seem like they are Michigan State alumni.
Sublease The Local Douchebag’s apartment for 4 years and 9 months:
Now facebook-famous East Lansing douchebag put an ad in a Free and For Sale group to attempt to sublease his apartment for the summer above Hopcat. Being excruciatingly specific, who is referred to as “Homie Dog” demanded that his subleasee be a “non-feminist,” “non-hillary supporter,” “not a vegan,” “someone who pile-drives some hot ass,” but most importantly they have to have eaten a 20oz cut of steak in the last 24 hours. When Homie Dog returns during the fall and discovers that you haven’t followed through with his rigid requirements, he will be so mortified that he will never want to step foot in the place again.
At the end of the day, cheap college won’t help you at all. It’ll just give Baby Boomers another reason to tell you that “You have it easy.”