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Beware These Buttery Campus Nooks, Lest You Invite a Thorough Slut-Shaming from Krampus

The Holiday Season is upon us, and with it brings tidings of yule and festive cheer on Michigan State University’s freakishly warm campus. During this December month, Christianity’s ideological dominance ensures the arrival of Saint Nicholas to all the good boys and girls currently brain-dead from finals anxiety, but with his sparkly presence comes the yin to his yang, Krampus. The chain toting goat-demon hybrid has a penchant for torturing misbehaving children, and has recently adopted new tactics to harass those he feels act inappropriately. Indeed, Krampus has invaded a litany of buttery nooks across campus, and is using his slippery vantage points to slut-shame sexually confident undergrads. Avoid these obscure places at all costs and retain your social right to show off that sweet bod!

6.) Beneath the gum-pocked front desk in Wells A136:

The moist drippings the patches of chewed gum provide underneath the front desk in Wells A136 create a perfect environment for Krampus to do his dirty work. He clings to the desk’s underside like a fucked-up koala, dispensing sexist condescension to those who dare walk by in cargo shorts or slim-fitting khakis. If you must enter Wells A136, army crawl atop the front desk when traversing the room, to avoid Krampus’s judgmental gaze.

5.) Betwixt these coat hangers in the Broad Art Museum:

The residual body-oils smeared on these Broad Art Museum coat hangers are as attractive to Krampus as a Clinton presidency, and provide perfect purchase to perch his nubile body. Krampus will wedge himself through the coat hangers like sausage sloppily rammed into its casing, and will effusively mock those museum-goers who dare wear salacious turtle necks or fanny-packs. Those hoping to absorb the beauty of Jenny Kendler’s Rewilding are better off suffering the sweltering heat of leaving their coats on, for to hang a jacket is to risk utter shame.

4.) Behind Bolivia in the International Center globe:

Ever the fan of Salteñas, Krampus fervently enjoys tucking himself behind Bolivia in the International Center globe in a filthy perversion of Atlas’s core exercise. Quick jaunts to Panda Express will be halted by Krampus’s relentless insults to bold passersby sporting the floppiest of flip-flops, a most definitely undeserved experience easily avoided by conforming your body to South America’s exact shape as you scurry past.

3.) The voluptuous folds of this scarf left in Natural Science, room 116:

In keeping with his fungus-like environmental preferences, Krampus sees within the folds of this scarf left behind in room 116 of the Natural Science building a home worthy of raising a family. Dank, dark, and delicious, the owner of the scarf is likely a pastry chef or a butcher, for the enchanting aromas within its fibers bring Krampus back to his childhood, a simpler, oilier time, notable for its fireside chats and ritualistic Satanic sacrifices. Anyways, if you walk by this scarf bearing pinky rings or shoulder pads, your brazen sexuality will be scorned.

2.) Among the wheat, Gladiator style, outside the Broad Art Museum:

Fear any recreation of Ridley Scott’s classic conception of heaven in Gladiator outside the Art Museum, for hidden within these billowy stalks is a supernatural creature that despises your milky kneecaps. Running your hand across the soft heads of each plant will stir Krampus into a blind fervor, and he will unleash a slut-shaming so vile you’ll likely self-impose a vow of silence. Avoid this grave inevitability by making shrill noises while waving your stiff arms up and down. The incongruity of your movements will confuse the poor bastard, and provide you enough cover time to scuttle by with an unscathed psyche.

1.) The shadowy underbelly of Professor Antoinette Tessmer’s desk:

Hoping to gain the element of surprise, Krampus enjoys camping deep in the bowels of campus’s most wholesome place: Professor Antoinette Tessmer’s office. Dr. Tessmer is inhumanly organized and polite to a fault, making her work domain the perfect position from which Krampus can unveil his most foul insults. Without Dr. Tessmer’s knowledge, he’ll hold up handwritten signs like “Your fuzzy cardigan implies loose morals,” or “If your glasses rims were any thicker I’d think you a charlatan.” Protect yourself from these abominable accusations at all costs, and offer to meet Dr. Tessmer in her home country, Belgium, for any finance-related concerns.

Krampus feeds on the shame of youths, and if we avoid him properly he will be struck with a famine. Do your part to starve Krampus and save your sexy skin, and avoid these buttery nooks post haste!

 

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