We’re only a few days away from the annual feast, which got us thinking: what if the Big Ten sports teams were famous for their own Turkey Day dish? Have no fear, The Black Sheep is on it just like that cousin that won’t stop talking about politics is on your punch-in-the-face list.
Rutgers Scarlet Knights Are Green Bean Casserole:
Who likes green bean casserole? Who actually considers Rutgers to be a Big Ten school? The answer is “no one” to both of those questions, which is why this is the perfect fit.
Illinois Fighting Illini Are the Store Bought Cake:
Those damn store bought cakes always look good on the outside, but never pan out to be great. Kind of like our grades throughout our college career, kind of like Illinois football.
Nebraska Cornhuskers Are Anything with Corn:
No one knows much about the state of Nebraska or this school other than their love for this yellow vegetable, usually covered in butter on Thanksgiving Day. Yum!
Maryland Terrapins are Mashed Potatoes and Gravy:
This Thanksgiving mainstay is dependent on whoever is in charge at the time. If it’s your cousin Patti, they’ll be dry and thicker than the mystery goo at the bottom of the Brody community showers. If it’s your Grandpa, they’re creamy and rich. If it’s Maryland football, they’ll likely suck; if it’s Maryland basketball, there’s a chance of actual relevance. The inconsistency is uncanny.
Minnesota Gophers Are an Experimental Dish That’s Surprisingly Not That Bad:
Every year, your cousin Sue insists on the family trying something new, and every year, it actually turns out to be pretty good. Every year, Minnesota wins 8 games and is pretty good, but not Big Ten Championship amazing.
Iowa Hawkeyes Are Your Aunt’s Famous Stew:
Similar to Minnesota, it’s not the favorite dish at the table, but also not the worse. This dish is always in the middle of the bunch, but looks cool, like Iowa’s mascot and stadium did after beating Michigan.
Indiana Hoosiers are Fruit Cake:
Your grandmother will insist on making this each year, in the hopes that someone will enjoy it. Indiana will insist that every year is the year they’ll finally win the Big Ten. Neither will actually happen.
Northwestern Wildcats Are the Beverages:
You know that one brother that no one trusts to actually cook, but you have to make them bring something so they feel included? That’s how we all feel about Northwestern sports – not good enough to win a bowl game, but good enough to get there.
Purdue Boilermakers Are the Boiled Water for the Actual Food:
You can always depend on your little sister to help your mom with the cooking on Thanksgiving, especially for the smaller tasks none of us like doing. We can always count on Purdue to lose something that none of the other Big Ten teams like doing. Thanks for your help, Purdue, keep “boiling it up.”
Penn State Nittany Lions Are Pumpkin Pie:
PSU has been known for being a surprise treat in the Big Ten, kind of like pumpkin pie. After your fourth plate of food, you’re not expecting the pie to top it off. After five years of bad teams, you’re not expecting Penn State to beat Ohio State, but you’re glad they did.
Wisconsin Badgers Are Macaroni and Cheese:
Wisconsin, just like macaroni, is always among the best dishes at the table during the holidays. Sure, your uncle might occasionally make a bad pan every once and awhile, but for the most part, this dish is always one everyone is talking about later. Plus, Wisconsin has some damn good cheese.
Ohio State Buckeyes Are the Stuffing:
Some people hate stuffing, some people like stuffing, but everyone knows that stuffing is essential to the Thanksgiving feast. We hate to say it, but Ohio State is essential to the Big Ten’s dominance.
University of Michigan Wolverines Are Cranberry Sauce:
Cranberry sauce is the sidekick to the stuffing, just like how Michigan is the sidekick to Ohio State losses over the past decade. How Michigan was the sidekick to MSU 7 of the last 9 years. How Harbaugh is the sidekick to Freddy P. Soft. Cranberry sauce is the ultimate sidekick, and so is “big brother.”
Michigan State Spartans Are the Turkey:
Sure, the Turkey is a little burned this year after a season of disappointment, but we know that the turkey still reigns supreme over all other dishes. MSU is the main course, and they’ll be back next year for seconds. Go Green! Go Turkey!
Happy Thanksgiving from the assholes at The Black Sheep, and remember, don’t be a cranberry sauce like Michigan; be a turkey like Michigan State.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: