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Brady Hoke Fired, Moves Into Van Down by Red Cedar

Former University of Michigan head football coach Brady Hoke has recently been fired from his position due to his unsuccessful stint at the helm. Unemployed, he now resides in a bulky, dark blue Ford Econoline down by the Red Cedar River in East Lansing.  

 

“Yeah, I saw this dude wearing what looked like wizard robes and a really unkempt Gandalf beard. At first I thought it was just a homeless guy, but then I realized he was was too fat to be a homeless guy. It was Brady Hoke!” exclaimed junior Bob Billington.  

 

Indeed, since his departure from The Big House, Hoke has undergone a complete 180. The Black Sheep was fortunate enough to ask Hoke about his new way of life, since he doesn’t have anything better to do now anyway.

 

“You know, after spending so much time in Ann Arbor, the hippie lifestyle was always in the corner of my eye,” Hoke said. “When my team suddenly turned to shit, I decided to try it out.” He gave an aloof smile.  “Mushroom?” he added politely, extending his arm. Looking content and dazed, Hoke resumed sitting with his pet rocks: Haze and Boo. We tried to ask Haze and Boo for their take on the new Brady, but they declined to comment.  

 

Besides taking on the hippie look, Hoke has also adopted some new philosophies. Hoke, who is actually literate, has been reading up on Buddhism and is often seen meditating.

 

“It’s really hard to turn your mind off and just be in the present,” Hoke explained. “Luckily I have Haze and Boo for guidance; they’re really good at sitting still and being quiet.” He continued to sit, patting his rocks lovingly.

 

Hoke has clearly been settling in nicely, but how have East Lansing residents and MSU students taken to Hoke? Despite his Ann Arbor roots, few have attempted to remind him of his shortcomings at Michigan.   

 

“I mean, he’s clearly lost it,” said MSU senior Mary Smith. “Making fun of him would be like kicking a baby deer.”

 

However, PACE hasn’t been so kind. Since he isn’t technically in a parking spot, they’ve tried ticketing him a total of 66 times. 

 

“That’s at least half a grand that guy owes us,” said an anonymous PACE officer. “I suppose it doesn’t matter much, though; all that money we ticket students for doesn’t do more for East Lansing or Lansing development anyway. We just like to assert our authority since we have no other control in our lives.”  

 

So, besides chilling out by the Red Cedar, what else has Hoke been up to? 

 

“Not much,” Hoke admitted. “I’m just trying to relax and take it easy. Those were some stressful times at Michigan. Bong hit?”  

 

While we declined to toke up with the former Michigan football coach, we did decide to take him to HopCat for dinner, and then to IM West for a shower. It was the least we could do.  

 

Since our interview, Hoke still resides in his van, but is now sporting a more clean-shaven look. Apparently he’s also writing a novel called, I Can Drive a Van and a Team Into the Ground, and So Can You! It’s an inspirational, heartfelt piece. Expect to see it in the Barnes & Noble sale section early next year. 

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