As you may have heard, Brady Hoke, former Michigan head football coach, has moved down by the Red Cedar River here in East Lansing following his firing from the Big House. You may have also heard he has lost his shit. Both are true, and we were lucky enough to interrupt Brady while he was coaching his pet rocks, Haze and Boo, on defensive formations and ask him how he was doing.
“Well, I’m alright,” said Hoke, “I wish Haze and Boo would hustle a little more in practice, but what are you gonna do when you have the voice of a schoolboy?”
True, Hoke’s soft-spoken nature remains, but he’s getting his voice heard at mandatory group therapy sessions for recently fired coaches, along with fired Nebraska football coach Bo Pelini.
“It’s been great!” beamed Hoke. “It’s nice to spend time with another person who gets my situation.”
Indeed, a certain bromance has developed between the Pelini and Hoke. “Hoke is great! He is letting me be assistant coach of the team we’re going to start!” said Pelini excitedly.
“Yeah, we’ve started recruiting raccoons. Since I can’t have wolverines, raccoons are the next best thing, right?” asked Hoke.
Probably not, but Brady and Bo have often been spotted running around dumpsters at night trying to catch raccoons and pull handmade jerseys onto them without “getting too scratched up.”
“Yeah, I saw these two goons, who I figured were surely on drugs, trying to coax a raccoon out of a dumpster one night,” said an ELPD officer. “When I went to check it out, I realized it was just Hoke and Pellini. I didn’t have the heart to stop them — running around with nets and hand-written letters of intent. They’ve had a hard enough couple of days.”
While no raccoons have joined the team yet, Hoke is hopeful. “I’m sure once we get one in a jersey, they’ll see how great being on a team could truly be,” he told us, using one of the jerseys to cover a nasty raccoon scratch on his forearm.
Besides starting another unsuccessful football team with Pellini, Hoke has had some other interesting updates in his life.
“The ghost of Bo Schembechler came to visit! Well, I think it was him; it also could have been the PACE guard, Jan, who has been coming by nightly, putting nice notes with lots of money on them under the windshield wipers — I think she said something about a boot too, which is great, because I need new boots! Anyway, he stopped by to say something about ‘keep moving forward.’ Or it was just ‘move’? I don’t remember, I was on a lot of LSD that Bo and I found in the dumpster. Sorry, I don’t have any left, otherwise I’d share.”
While hope may seem lost, Hoke may still have a shot at redemption. Rich Rodriguez, who was also fired from the University of Michigan two years ago, was just voted coach of the year the same day Hoke was fired.
“All I can say is that is SUCKS TO BE BLUE!” said Rodriguez, laughing hysterically. “I feel for the guy, though; I’m sure he’ll get back on track.”
We hope so, too, because his van is killing the grass. But for now, Hoke is here to stay. Hopefully with enough therapy, he’ll be okay once again. Who knows, maybe he can coach Ohio State or something in a few years. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?