Computer scientists. God. So smug. So hardworking.
Computer Science majors at MSU think they can have it all. Join a Big 10 and get the full college experience, and work your ass off to join the workforce in our economy’s most rapidly growing job sector. Click clack on your goddamn keyboards while your smooth faces and supple bodies are the wont of all.
Be that way. No one minds.
A day in the college life of an MSU computer scientist: Wake up on time (fuck off), eat something heart-healthy like an avocado or seven toasted almonds (it’s just like them to steal Obama’s eating habits), brush your hair in front of the mirror while lovingly gazing into your dazzlingly perfect eyes, make your way to the Engineering Building for Discrete Structures with McCullen (who you love, ugh), and risk carpal tunnel while mastering the cutting edge mathematics necessary to maintain and grow a teeming global electronic infrastructure (you shit flapjack) and at night, live the rock and roll lifestyle you hide so well from your parents.
Sure, do a handstand at the Tin Can while you catch lobbed Jell-O shots in your mouth. Go ahead, laugh it off, squirt quirky love messages in whipped cream in a way that responsibly expresses your affection without coming on too strong. Find a loving, tender relationship that takes things slow, and remain conscious to refrain from co-dependence despite your healthy infatuation. We get it. You’re perfect.
Computer Science majors have their lives so perfectly figured out, it’s like they’ve evolved beyond mere mortal experiences like “hangovers” or “sadness.” When Nietzsche wrote of super-beings, he must’ve been peering through a time machine into the Holmes Hall dorm of an MSU Comp Sci major, as they were waking up refreshed in the morning to repeat their time-honored tradition of making the smartest possible choice at every turn.
The only thing worse than a mathematically superior mind is a mathematically superior body. MSU’s Computer Science department is churning out fierce, sexy beasts more angularly perfect than da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man, causing an outbreak of long, soulful walks along the Red Cedar, where one contemplates one’s place in the universe when mere feet away an attractive and emotionally evolved computer whiz is solving the world’s problems, getting laid, and has guaranteed employment right out of college.
Can “if, then” logic chains wipe away tears? Does knowledge of Python quell the snake-bite like pangs in an inferior being’s heart? Can Professor Wang’s out-of-nowhere political issues in clicker questions distract from the absurd inequity of it all?
Two solutions lie before us: abolish MSU’s Computer Science Department, or allow Darwinism to take its course, and watch the whole of our luscious campus become subsumed with the superior genetic material of Comp Sci majors at the loss of our pride, and the gain of everything else. The choice is in our hands.