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MSU’s Communal Bathrooms: How to Get Your Money’s Worth!

 

Communal bathrooms: so cavernous and damp, so unavoidable in a student’s life. The cost of living on campus has only increased in the last few years, so you should be pinching pennies wherever you can. Any forward-thinking and frugal student should be aware that the communal shower and associated bathroom isn’t just for showering and self-care. If you’re looking for ways to truly make the most of these watery blessings, you’ve come to the right article.

 

6.) Pass the toilet wine, please:
If you’d like to try your hand at toilet wine, look no further than the communal bathrooms on Michigan State University’s illustrious campus. Since the dawn of imprisonment, toilet wine has been a staple in uncomfortable situations. Have a problem with your roommate? Toilet wine! Your ex-girlfriend snuck into your room while you were sleeping and spit into your open mouth? Toilet wine! So grab your can of non-perishable fruit cocktail and ferment until you have enough to numb the pain of living on campus.

 

5.) Test your music playlist!:
Everyone knows music is the all-important mitochondria of a great party. For most people, a party setting is one that is both nauseating and filled with high stakes. We can all imagine the nightmare of being handed the aux cord and not having a sweet teen-party playlist at the go. Why not use this opportunity to blast Lil Bow Wow to an unsuspecting and feedback-ready audience? If anyone knocks on the stall door and asks what the music is, you know you’ve done well.

 

4.) You used hair to do what?:
Fuck off, winter! You can’t mess with us frugal motherfuckers. Did you know that human hair makes great material for knitting? Well, time to learn a new skill, sweetheart. Make a lovely scarf or maybe a nice pair of mittens out of actual human hair. Now you don’t have to buy your grandma a Christmas present! If you’re not willing to sacrifice your own hair, why not go spelunking in the drain?

 

 

3.) While we’re on the topic…:
In some showers, the water takes a while to drain and you can be left standing there like an idiot. Here’s a solution: instead of spending $1.50 on a Dasani, fill your water bottle to the brim with the leftover earth juice. Being thrifty and taking down capitalism, all in one go!

 

2.) Workshop your impression of Carl Winslow:
“Steve!” you shout, doing your best to capture the nasality of Reginald VelJohnson’s zero-time Emmy-nominated performance as Lt. Carl Winslow in the one-time Emmy-nominated 1990s sitcom Family Matters. People brush past you, giving a dirty look here and there, but you don’t mind. You’re getting your money’s worth. The communal shower, like the speakeasy, was created long ago for the sole reason of creative expression. Instead of the soft hum of a clarinet, you’re playing the greatest instrument of them all: Carl Winslow.

 

1.) How solid are your friendships?:
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” You know old people! They’re always faking it. Use your communal shower to the extreme and pretend to slip while in the presence of a friend. Say to them “Hey pal! We should go take some showers before the big game.” They’ll agree. Then, while in the midst of rubbin’ and dubbin’, fake a fall. Scream. Shout. Let it all out. If they’re a true friend, they’ll lend a hand. Thanks, communal showers!

 

Wow! What great ideas for saving some change! You should feel accomplished just for reading this list. What are you waiting for? Savings await!

 

 

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