In what amounts to the perfect crime, it is becoming increasingly apparent that MSU football threw their game against Ohio State in a secret effort to ensure Coach Mark Dantonio got his 100th win at a bowl game.
MSU defeated one of their fiercest rivals, the Washington State Cougars, in the highly anticipated and heavily viewed San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl, and expert conspiracy theorists and casual observers alike couldn’t help but notice it all fell together a little too neatly.
“Not a lot of people know this, but Coach Dantonio has a long history of witchcraft and spell-casting,” said conspiracy theorist John Hancook, who has never felt physical affection from anything that isn’t a cat or his hand. “The only way to explain his team’s profoundly embarrassing loss to Ohio State earlier this year is that he put a temporary spell on them to ensure that, though they would sacrifice some pride that day, karma would turn around for them and give them the big 100th win in the SDCCU Holiday Bowl, which I totally watched all the way to the end.”
MSU student Richard McMackers also agreed that something about the Ohio State loss just didn’t add up.
“I mean, fuck OSU, right?” He said after the thrilling SDCCU Holiday Bowl victory that we all definitely watched and enjoyed. “I much prefer the option that it was an elaborate conspiracy to believing the ugly truth. Kind of like global warming…I mean, it’s been so cold where I am the past few days, no way there’s a difference between local weather and global climatic trends!”
When pressed for comment, Coach Dantonio was hesitant to speak with us in person; he did, however, release the following statement:
“The San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl is the highest stage in college football, and being able to secure a victory there—whatever number victory it may be for me—is an incredible experience. All of our guys played great, and I would know because I totally watched the entire game without flipping to something else even once. The loss to OSU certainly had nothing to do with this victory, and neither did the mysterious shrieking sounds the past few nights, the goats and other livestock that have gone missing around Michigan, the blood raining from the sky, or the piles of burnt buckeyes with cougar heads on top of them that have popped up around the country.”
At press time, a demon from the bowels of hell (who enjoys the spectacle of college football and watched the SDCCU Holiday Bowl in rapturous glee, thank you very much) was warning Washington State head coach Mike Leach that if he gets to 100 losses, his promise of eternal life, according to the contractual details of their blood pact, will be replaced with a commemorative coin and a sheet of scratch-and-sniff stickers.
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