Another night, another heartbreak. Chloe Cook stumbled home from yet another fruitless night at a strange frat house. Lonely and frustrated, Chloe bypassed the crowded Grand River and decided to take a stroll through campus. “It was a regular night for all I could tell, but things seemed more romantic than usual” stated Chloe. “The street lights were seductively dim, the stars were twinkling their hearts out, and there was a homeless guy dressed like a Mariachi band member wandering around the streets singing Sam Smith songs.”
Almost back to her dorm, Chloe was surprised to come across a bouquet of roses next to a crosswalk. “That’s when it happened. I was expecting the sign to say ‘Farm Lane, walk sign,’ but instead it just started saying ‘Dat ass’ over and over again in that weird droning mechanical voice.”
Feeling slightly creeped out, Chloe thought nothing of this incident. The next morning the crosswalk made its next move. “This time it was a little more invasive. I don’t know how the crosswalk voice knew, but it started giving me encouragement for my test that day.”
Cook did better on her test because of that extra boost of support: “I didn’t know why that little reminder that I’m a rockstar helped me out that much on my MTH 103 test. Everyone knows that math is 90% positive thoughts, 5% equations, and 7% black magic. I already lit my effigy that day, so I guess the crosswalk really did help me.” Chloe’s mood was off the charts. “After that, the crosswalk sign became more and more caring with its words. I swear, that little walk sign guy lit up and gave me a slight head nod. I felt really beautiful at that moment. He treats me like I’m somebody’s daughter.”
For a solid month, Chloe had the most exhilarating time of her life as the crosswalk voice seduced her. That is, until Chloe used Siri in front of him. “I didn’t mean it! No one uses Siri, anyway – she’s not exactly competent when you’re looking for a good time. I was trying to get to my messages and pressed the Home button for too long. My Crosswalk Lover became instantly jealous. As I was crossing the street, all he had to say was ‘Do you like (pause) women now?’”
Cook was devastated. Instead of being the gentleman he usually was, Crosswalk Voice projected his fury on other girls. Reports say that girls who have their jackets zipped down a little too low are being cat-called on their way across the street. Even the Bus Voice has ganged up on the females of Michigan State. One victim says that as she was getting off of the bus at the International Center, the Bus Voice called her a slut. “I don’t know who the Bus Voice is, but I imagine he looks something like the grown up version of Macaulay Culkin.”
Chloe and the Crosswalk Voice have yet to make amends to their relationship, but things are hopeful. “I’ve apologized over and over again to him, and he’s making an effort. We’re working on it.”
As of now, the Crosswalk Voice and other campus voices have toned down their outward hatred toward women, and have turned to cryptic, passive-aggressive texts. Unfortunately, women on campus have been plagued with slightly insulting texts from the MSU Alert system because of this incident, but most victims have mixed feelings because it texts “LOL” right after.
Crosswalk Voice has yet to comment on the situation.