You’re out, when someone decides to take Odds Are too far and dares you to permanently program your 3-hour-old post-Black-Friday-sale iPhone X’s facial recognition to the Spartan statue’s face. Well, here are your next steps:
7.) Venmo request $1,000 from your ex:
Your ex-lover is sure to have some sort of savings, and after they cheated on you with your own cousin, they owe you at least a little in reparations. So, hop on your friend’s dumb, outdated iPhone 6, log in to your Venmo account, and with no context whatsoever, request that bitch a grand. In the unlikely chance they deny it, just tell ’em you’re having their baby! We all know the best way to get something you want is by lying.
6.) Get hit by CATA:
Rumor has it if you get swiped by one of these fine-looking devils, your tuition is paid for. While many have disproved this theory, there’s only one way to find out for yourself. Take an “accidental” stumble off the sidewalk and get up close and personal with the 31. After you get that free tuition, not only will you have spare money lying around to buy a new phone, but you’ll also have hot babes lining up to sign that sexy thigh cast of yours.
5.) Present the Lansing Mall Santa with a list of reasons you should be on the nice list:
‘Tis the season of willingly sitting on strangers’ laps! Head on over to the Lansing Mall and whisper sweet nothings in Kris Kringle’s ear to remind him of all the reasons your name should be at the top of the nice list. Obviously we’re not childish enough to believe that guy is really “Santa”; everybody knows that the mall Santas are just messenger-men for the real Saint Nicholas.
4.) Pull a Frank Gallagher:
We can all learn a thing or two from Shameless’s fictional middle-aged degenerate. If we all had the tenacity of Frank Gallagher, the Dean’s List would have 50,000 names on it. So, take a page from Frank’s playbook, break out that cardboard sign in the back of your closet, down a few Old Styles, and take to the streets to rely on other people’s kind hearts to fuel your iPhone budget.
3.) Get a job at the Caf:
Naaahhhhhh jk. Don’t put yourself through that torture.
2.) Sell your soul:
Not many people are aware that there’s actually an MSU Free & For Sale Facebook page dedicated primarily to buying other people’s souls. Depending on how pure you are, bids can reach as high as $3,000! That’s enough to buy yourself a new iPhone X and cover a fraction of one of your books for next semester.
1.) Read the owner’s manual:
If all previous attempts have failed, there’s always the handy dandy owner’s manual. Of course, you’ll have to dig through a week’s worth of empty Ramen packets residing in your trash can; be prepared to set aside a few hours to read through the book so small only Jerry Mouse can read it easily.
The Black Sheep wishes you well in all of your iPhone replacement endeavors. Our advice to you? Next time you’re prowling the bars, download one of those drunk security apps.
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