April showers brings… mud, and for Michigan State’s resident farmers, mud means mud-wrestling. Nothing says “’Merica” more than thrashing around in the soggy earth that this country was built on. However, the annual festivity hosted by the campus-renowned frat has run into multiple roadblocks over the years. First it was the mad cow disease scare of 2005, then the mud sinkhole incident of 2012, and now it seems that a chlamydia epidemic has struck FarmHouse… for the third year in a row.
“I remember my first and only mud-wrestling competition – I was destroyed by Darryl.” Billy Joe, a senior FarmHouse brother, told us about how he is particularly disappointed about the endemic. “This was going to be my year. I’ve been practicing with Boss for weeks.”
“Boss” is a 700-pound pig that lives in the basement of FarmHouse. The basement itself is a literal sty, with a built-in mud-pit, along with proudly displayed American flags.. They also flaunt a poster of Mount Rushmore, where the presidents’ heads have been replaced with those of the cast of Duck Dynasty.
“I had to use my savings on antibiotics instead of re-lifting my truck,” grumbled sophomore brother, Jim Bob.
Not surprisingly, he wasn’t the only one. To help themselves pay for medical treatment, the brothers decided to retail their excess camouflage clothing. However, if we’re being completely honest, we couldn’t see what they were selling. They’ve also started charging admission to their parties. Again, if we’re being completely honest, you’d have to pay us to go to one of their parties.
FarmHouse plans on rescheduling their mud-wrestling competition for the fall. The Black Sheep sends our sincere commiserations to the fraternity brothers, and wish them a speedy recovery. Make FarmHouse great again!