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Group of Freshmen Walk 2.3 Miles to Crunchy’s, Gets Turned Away at Door


Four dudes set off from the safe confines of Akers Hall and ventured into the East Lansing city limits, in search of an establishment that would accept their poorly made fake IDs.


The lead up to this decision included a total of 18 shots of Pineapple Smirnoff, a two-liter of pink lemonade, and nine accusations of Brad being a pussy for not wanting to go.


“The guy only sips mixed drinks, let alone rip any shots. I told him if he doesn’t come with us I’m going to tell everyone he’s not for the boys,” said Will Sharp, the most vocal of the two-week-old friend group.


The four fake IDs had arrived at the dorm on the previous day, ordered off the deep web by computer engineering freshman Alex Levant.


“It’s the deep web, so you know it’ll be good. I had all these Bitcoins and I thought why not, what’s the worst that can happen with using the postal service to deliver contraband to my dorm?”


The group was ecstatic when the package arrived, ignoring the fact their New Jersey licenses claimed they were 24-years-old and resided at 69 High St.


“I’d never seen so many people getting lit like that in public. We’d all heard the bigger bars are stricter on fakes, so we went to some karaoke place that’d be chill about it,” said Sharp, growing more confident every time he yelled, “f*ck the police” when a cop car was a safe distance away.


The freshmen were in for a rude awakening when they took their first steps into Crunchy’s. People were sitting down, casually drinking, with the music at a reasonable volume.


“I was expecting something a little more turnt, but we thought for sure we’d get in and drink some brews, and maybe sing some Chainsmokers,” said Brad.


As the bouncer asked for each ID, the groups’ eyes quickly shot to the ground following the handoff.


“Yeah, these are fake. I can’t let you in,” said the bouncer in a calm demeanor, as he stuffed the ids in his pocket..


The freshmen quickly turned around and bolted down the alley, viciously cursing the name Crunchy’s and their lack of chillness.


As the four strutted down Grand River back towards Akers, a sudden craving of shitty food came over them, fueled by a mixture of shame and the flavored vodka sitting in their stomachs.


A debate over Taco Bell and Rice Kitchen commenced, the group unaware both decisions would have the same exact outcome in the morning.


A quick comparison of price ended the debate at once, with “Dude we could all get an ungodly amount of food with the $5 box at T-Bell, or eat deep fried panda testicles,” said Sharp, still obviously in control of the group and its decision making.


After witnessing two fights, three couples making out, and a puddle of vomit, the group had their steak quesaritos and continued their voyage to Akers. 45 minutes later the group had returned home and surprisingly spoke highly of the events of the night.


“We may have not gotten into the bar, but I’m glad it was Saturday and I got to spend it with the boys. Got smashed, talked to some chicks, ya know, just a standard night for the bros of third-floor East Akers.”




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