Harbaugh Takes Religious Pilgrimage to the Vatican to Recruit Jesus
Interesting development at the Vatican this Wednesday when Pope Francis was visited by U of M coach, Jim Harbaugh. The coach took his team to watch as he gave the Pope an offering of a Wolverine helmet and U of M’s signature Jordan running shoe.
“So I decided to take a trip to the Vatican in order to find personal enlightenment,” stated Harbaugh, “Some professor in the Religious Studies department told me something about these things called ‘indulgences,’ so I decided to drop by and purchase a few in the form of U of M football gear – sorry – American football gear – in order for God to sorta look over that one week I had in Cancun…Hopefully the helmet and the shoes can help let that slide.”
Although there for personal reasons, the coach also had another thing in mind. After the departure of Jabrill Peppers, U of M has been looking to recruit a good linebacker to fill his shoes. Harbaugh was hoping that, during his team’s stay in Vatican City, Pope Francis would give them the go ahead to sign his friend Jesus for a full ride scholarship and a starting spot on the roster.
“I know that Signing Day is over and all, but I was hoping that the whole indulgence thing would make that okay. And also the fact that he’s Jesus is also good because I’m sure he gets a say in whether or not I get to go to Heaven or not. I also hear he has one Hell of a tackle!”
Although Jesus was not available for his take on the matter, he did send a formal response:
Overall, I don’t find the University of Michigan to be the best fit for me. Although your offer is one that displays loyalty and respect…I’m not a football player…I’m Jesus….So if it is comfortable with you, I would like to remain in Heaven until a better offer is given.
Given Pope Francis, however, pitied the little guy for his poor attempt at recruitment and his outdated religious traditions, he was prepared to send him back with a new recruit. Pope Francis stated that he was looking to rid Italy of “Satana” and he stated that it sounded as though Ann Arbor would be the perfect place for him.
“The man didn’t even take the time to get the proper shoe size,” stated Pope Francis in an interview with The Black Sheep, “Dude just walks up to me with a helmet and a shoebox and tells me he doesn’t want to be plagued with the ghosts of his past as if I can undo the butt chug he did on Playa Delfines back in ‘82. Like-what am I supposed to do with this helmet anyways? Serve Jesus Juice out of it during the Eucharist or something? I don’t know. All I know is he rubbed me the wrong way. I’m sure Satana will be a perfect fit for his roster.”
Although disappointed that Jesus would not leave his position to become the new linebacker, Harbaugh is elated to have a new member of the team, stating that he’s a “hot new star” and that he will make the U of M defense “as strong as Hell…just not Hell…I don’t want to be stuck with the devil after I die…”