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The Judgmental Map of Detroit’s West Suburbs


Thousands of kids sprawled out across southeast Michigan have claimed at some point in their pampered lives to be from Detroit, leaving out the key word: suburbs. They hate associating themselves with this word, but lord knows they wouldn’t last anywhere south of Ferndale. Lakes, cul-de-sacs, and rampant divorce occupy this quintessential model for white flight. This map will help to navigate the mean streets of “Detroit.



Birmingham-Bloomfield Bubble:
A quick drive through the area will have you in awe at the size of the houses and lack of diversity. Here you’ll find nothing but golf courses and private schools as far as the eye can see. If you’re ever looking for a plug, there’s always a kid selling his parents’ Xanax.


East of Woodward:
If you dare travel this far east, you better only be going to one of two places: Royal Oak or Somerset Mall. If you go any further you might find yourself in *gasp* Macomb County, surrounded by Cracker Barrel and Walmart, not a single Whole Foods in sight.


Oakland County Lakes:
Sprinkled throughout these winding roads are people from all walks of life, enjoying Michigan’s beautiful inland lakes. You may only be able to take the boat for a spin four months out of the year, it doesn’t stop these people from getting piss drunk year round.


Novi-Farmington-West Bloomfield:
Office parks and strip malls occupy these barren suburban wastelands. Don’t cross any teenagers in these parts of town, for they have spent a lifetime of shoplifting and hotboxing their cars.






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