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LaVar Ball Claims Complete Ownership of All “Ball” Related Products

With the 2017 NBA Draft in the books, the world awaits to see if the rookie drafted by the LA Lakers, Lonzo Ball, will live up to the hype built around him. While some teams were skeptical about Lonzo’s shooting form, defense, and leadership skills, most of the conversation revolved around his very outspoken father, LaVar.

Most people have criticized LaVar of using his sons’ success as a financial opportunity, through which he has created his own sports clothing line, the Big Baller Brand. LaVar has already begun heavily investing to further his brand’s image, including a new venture released this morning as Lonzo officially became an NBA player.

“I’ve started to monopolize anything and everything ‘Ball,’ all balls will be mine!” LaVar screamed at a reporter at an NBA Draft after party. “Everything I do is for my boys!”

It turns out he’s not kidding. LaVar has started to purchase any and everything that has the word “ball” in its name.

“At first, he began with specific name brands; Ball crystal mason jars, Ball luxury watches, and BallHawk golfing glasses. He has now extended his reach to more trivial products; ball bearings, balloons, ball pits, ballistics, ball valves, etc. There are even rumors that he has been trying to seize supremacy of Ball State University,” stated a close friend of the Ball family.

New reports of LaVar’s activities have come from all over the world. The College of Electrical Engineering at the University of Oslo in Norway released a voicemail from a “crazed man wanting to know if he could custom-order the world’s ‘largest Tesla ball,’ or acquire the rights to the natural phenomena of ball lightning all-together.”

The Nigerian federal police posted a video of LaVar berating a local zoologist about “purchasing every single ball python on the African continent.”

A Japanese news program also leaked a series of emails between Toei Animation and one “[email protected],” discussing the possibility of a Dragon Ball Z spinoff called, “Big Dragon Balls ZO2.” LaVar has denied all supposed interactions, but did confirm his most recent procurement of the board game Clue.

“In the game, you can get murdered in the Ballroom!” he raved. “Ain’t no murdering in my room! Only murders are done by Mr. Ball, on the court, with the ankle breakers! Everything I do is for my boys! Judge, jury, and executioner all right here!”

LaVar’s exponential increase of antics has created more speculation about his authoritative control over Lonzo’s NBA future. When asked how he think the Lakers staff would react to his behavior, LaVar retorted, “They’re gonna be thanking me, that’s for sure! Everything I do is for my boys! LA isn’t big enough for two teams if Lonzo is on one of them! The Clippers have got to go! I am currently in talks with myself about securing the sole ownership of the Ball name! So I say to the Clippers owner, Steve Ballmer, you better watch out! LaVar’s coming to get you! How many times do I have to tell you? Everything I do is for my boys!”

While the NBA regular season won’t start until fall, we can be sure to continue to see LaVar grace the headlines with more outlandish claims and actions than ever before.

Hey dummy, listen to our newest podcast, Talk of Shame!

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