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Leaked: The Spartan Statue’s Workout for Maintaining His Hot Bod

There’s no denying that every time you walk past the Spartan Statue, you get a tingle of pleasure shooting through your body; one look at him can make your whole day better. “How do I get to be that sexy?” you ask yourself. After snooping through some official documents, The Black Sheep was able to obtain the secret to his hot bod.

Set 1— Climb the Wharton Center ramp:
Start your workout off with a brisk climb up the most outrageous parking ramp Michigan State has to offer. To really kick those quads into full gear, strap a backpack full of those textbooks you bought your freshman year to your back and get climbing.

Set 2— Plank while waiting in the Wells Hall Starbucks line:
Get that killer six-pack that Sparty rocks with this easy move. The best time to execute it is between 8 and 10, right before classes start. Burn some extra calories afterwards by simultaneously planking while guzzling down your morning cup of joe. Trust us, it’s not impossible.

Set 3— “Junior by credits” jumping jacks:
This one is a Sparty favorite – get fit while in class! Every time that girl in your IAH group says that she’s a junior by credits, stand up and commence 100 jumping jacks. Sure, you’ll sweat through every article of clothing you’re wearing, but you’ll most likely burn enough calories to be a pound lighter by the time class is over.

Set 4— Eat a phonebook:
While this may sound weird, it is the price you have to pay to get a jawline as beautiful as Sparty’s. We promise that the ink won’t hurt you enough to cause actual illness; you just might not be able to taste anything for a few weeks. Get chompin’, pal. 

Set 5— Race a CATA bus:
Give Usain Bolt a run (literally) for his money by taking on a CATA bus. Break out your white New Balance tennis shoes and get ready for the time of your life. We recommend watching Forrest Gump a few times to really get yourself in the mindset for the sprint. Within no time you’ll have thighs comparable to the bronze god’s. 

Set 6— Fight the Rick’s bouncer:
Even if you’re of age, show up to Rick’s on a Saturday night with a very obvious fake. When the bouncer refuses to let you in, it’s your time to shine. Square up and throw some serious hands – make sure to engage your entire body to get the most out of your workout. Bonus workout: running away from the police!

Repeat these workouts until you see yourself transform into a human being nearly as beautiful as the Spartan Statue himself. Or you give up and darty instead. We don’t judge.

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