It was announced yesterday that the Michigan State University’s men’s hockey coach, Tom Anastos, was resigning from his prestigious position. The reasoning, he announced, was simple: he wanted more time to pursue a career in field hockey.
“I’ve never really given it a shot, but it always looked so fun. I never really liked ice hockey, to be honest. I was always scared of getting hit by the puck.” Anastos sighed. “The plastic balls used in field hockey look much less painful.”
The announcement was a relief to MSU hockey fans, seeing as his coaching record was underwhelming at best – he was 78-122-24 over the course of the six seasons he coached.
“I started to realize around the third season that I didn’t like hockey. In fact, I don’t even understand hockey. I’m still not quite sure how the Zamboni fits into the game or what a power play is. That’s why field hockey is the sport for me. Much different. No Zambonis.”
MSU’s athletic director, Mark Hollis, wholeheartedly supported the idea.
“I asked Sparty, and he told me we had to kick ‘im, and I agreed,” stated Hollis. “We always listen to ol’ Spart-Dawg.”
When asked if he would be applying to coach the university’s field hockey team, Anastos was hesitant.
“Well, I know that field hockey is the goal, but I’m still not sure if I want to coach or if I want to go pro. I know they talked about demolishing the Joe Louis Arena, where the Red Wings used to play, but I’m thinking about buying it and turning it into a field hockey studio. Field hockey court? Dojo? I don’t know. I’m still getting used to the terminology.”
When Anastos was informed that field hockey’s record wasn’t very good either – they were third to last in the Big Ten – the former coach perked up.
“Well, if the bar truly isn’t that high, maybe I will consider coaching. After all, I am gonna miss the $350,000 I was making as the ice hockey coach.”
Whether it’s as a player or as a coach, as an MSU employee or not, one thing is certain: we have not heard the last of Tom Anastos.