In Latest Attempt to ‘Go Green’ MSU Vows to be 100% Powered by Student Tears
Environmentally conscious Spartans, rejoice! In a recent press release, Michigan State University has agreed to go 100% green by the year 2030. Their plan? Harvest the despondent tears of students.
“MSU has always been on the forefront of what’s cutting edge in our world,” explained MSU spokesperson, Sean Calloway, before adding “What’s cutting edge today? Capitalizing on the latest social trends.”
In order to show dedication to their promise, President Simon met with environmentalist and former Vice-President Al Gore. During their meeting, held early Wednesday morning in the presence of a priest, an official blood oath was made.
“If broken,” Ex-Presidential Nominee Al Gore said to this muckraking reporter, “Michigan State University will be shrouded in darkness for nineteen years.” A powerful sentiment and one that MSU will be sure to take to heart.
2030 is fast approaching, and MSU believes that it will be able to extract enough tears of mentally unstable students by that time.
“Our goal? One million gallons,” says Calloway. “Kids are sad. I say ‘good!’ Seeing a young adult have a mental breakdown revs my engine.”
Most students however, are not so happy with this pivot.
“It’s just impractical! This whole ‘harvesting student tears’ thing. Why not Spider Fuel?” argued sophomore Ashley Briggs, unprompted. The Black Sheep has no goddamn idea what Briggs was talking about, but regardless, she doesn’t seem to approve of MSU’s plan.
With only 13 years to gather the tears, those opposed need to learn to shut it and trust in Sparty. Besides, we can’t fail now as the threat of being shrouded in darkness is ever so present. Go Green, and go green!