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How MSU’s Interim President Is Trying to Relate to Youths

Since his appointment, Interim President John Engler has received flak for his conservative politics and lack of experience in solving MSU’s current problems. Despondent, the 69-year-old former Michigan Governor has made a mad dash to relate to the youth he currently represents, in the hopes of winning back their favor. Here are the 6 methods he’s deployed, with at best middling success.

6.) Shot-gun half an O’Doul’s:
Having seen Animal House in its initial theatrical run, Engler understands that rapidly chugging beer is a quick way to bridge the age-gap he faces. Though consuming actual alcohol is off the table, he figures the delicious flavors of half an O’Doul’s consumed in traditional “shot-gun” style will supply the aesthetic he needs to bungle MSU’s administration with full student support.

5.) Slip random Greek characters into his vernacular:
Vaguely aware that the Greek language somehow figures into campus living, Engler has taken up the practice of randomly slipping in a “beta” into his everyday conversation, hoping to subtly cue any youthful eavesdroppers that he too is ready to “get down” and “pledge.”

4.) Ride a long skateboard:
The three YouTube videos of millennials Engler has seen indicate a predisposition towards especially long skateboards. In a huff, Engler rushed to his nearest haberdashery and requested the “longest skateboard you can find,” and received a set of two-by-fours and a handful of ball bearings. Pulling himself up by his own bootstraps, Engler grit his teeth and used this long skateboard for 3 seconds before badly injuring his weak kidneys.

3.) Sit in an ice-bath while watching Netflix:
Indeed, the ever-hip Engler has heard the term “Netflix and Chill” many a time by longhairs. Thankfully, our interim president has access to an unlimited supply of ice and Wi-Fi, and has dutifully chilled his wrinkled body while burning through all of Netflix’s Civil War documentaries.

2.) Shower less:
Engler calculates that a timeless characteristic of college undergrads is smelliness, and this being the easiest of his challenges, Engler has gone balls-to-the-wall on this one. The man hasn’t showered in two weeks, prompting the secret placement of pine-tree air fresheners in his office and adjoining hallways, lest his secretaries clock in wearing clothespins on their noses.

1.) Pay more attention to the Parks and Recreation Department:
Engler is befuddled and pleased to hear how avidly interested millennials are in Parks and Recreation, often shortening the important branch of local government into “Parks and Rec.” Engler has taken extra caution in eyeing and admiring the work of Michigan’s Parks and Recreation division, and feels confident that he too can uncover that which college students find so funny with this rather banal municipal organization.

Ideally, Engler sees himself as a “missing link” type between old, stodgy conservatives and hip, liberal youths. Though he’d rather self-immolate than enact liberal policies, he’s willing to augment his personal behavior in the hopes that young folks will be like “yo, who’s that fly home skillet representing me and my ##squad?”

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