This year, red sweaters and fake mustache sales are at an all-time high in every Walmart and Party City in the nation. The chance of running into undecided voter Ken Bone near a keg on October 31st is at a whopping 92%, and it appears what is even more likely is the chance that you will be trumped with this question: “Are they attempting to accurately represent Ken Bone, or a sexy version of him?”
“There are Ken Bones everywhere, and I feel like an idiot showing up in a Sexy Cat costume,” junior Kelsey Whitley said, pulling off her cat ears. “There is only one thing sexy in there, and it isn’t me. Hey, wait, is that sweater maroon? Can I borrow that?”
Another party attendee, Jacob Vincent, explained what Sexy Ken Bone costumes entail.
“What do you mean?” Jacob asked. “Like, red sweater, glasses, mustache, boom. You’re Ken Boner. I raided my uncle’s closet while he was at some car auction. Easy costume, and when you’re dressed like this, so are the ladies, if you know what I mean,” Jacob noted.
“I honestly don’t get it,” explained Jaclyn Daunt, a local senior. “It’s like an illustrator for Waldo fucked up and now they’re just fucking everywhere. They’re literally dressed like they’re going to jury duty! HOW IS THIS TURNING YOU ON?!” Jaclyn yelled, throwing her Sexy Demogorgon mask to the ground.
While Jaclyn and others continued to be confused as to what made Ken Bone so naturally attractive, we also found that the Bone Effect began to wear off as the night went on.
“He’s definitely hot, don’t get me wrong,” senior Jennifer Liback explained. “Like, an effortless sexy. But when the night went on and the Ken Bones would keep talking, they all seemed like they were actually assholes. Which took away from their sexual appeal, as unbelievable as that is.”
Reports show that infatuation with the Ken Bones plummeted at around 2 or 3 a.m.
“I saw this drunk girl run up to a Ken Bone, yell ‘What are you, a Guess Who? character?!’ and then push him to the ground, face first,” Timothy King recalled.
With the mystery as to what makes this American icon so attractive to nationwide college students remains unsolved, one thing is for certain: that sweater your grandma knit you has a 69% chance of getting you laid, but a 31% chance of your face ended up in the dirt.