A recent development in the latest NCAA investigation has led to a startling discovery: nearly every single college basketball player in the nation has been receiving an education in addition to fulfilling their athletic responsibilities.
“The NCAA has high standards for how our programs should operate,” said spokesman Duane Jornson. “The players enter the system knowing they are just fueling billion-dollar machine. These players are not meant to personally benefit in any way.”
These athletes have received at least tens-of-thousands, if not hundreds-of-thousands of dollars, worth of education in their time at various institutions.
Jornson added, “The notion that players were gaining knowledge and skills that would help them after graduating — for free— sickened me to my very core. And to think that they were given this opportunity that they may not have had otherwise is unacceptable.”
Many coaches immediately went on the defensive, denying that their students had really learned anything while attending the classes they needed to stay officially enrolled.
“I can assure you,” head coach Tom Izzo told The Black Sheep, “that any time spent ‘studying’ was simply them sitting quietly in a room while some nerd does homework for them. They has to pass to be eligible to play, and nerds know how to pass class as well as the boys know how to pass a ball. We definitely want them out there on the court making as much money for the NCAA and Michigan State as possible.”
At press time, the NCAA had teamed up with FBI to release scent hounds on Miles Bridges’ private island; since his daring Red Cedar speedboat escape, Bridges has thus far eluded capture.
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