Dear Lower MSU Classes,
All of us people soon leaving this wasteland of alcoholics known as MSU have one last parting gift before we embark on a lifetime of misery and self-esteem issues after being denied by every hot person we hit on at the bar while in attendance here. If you were expecting this letter to be a fun, sappy piece about what to do to make the most of your MSU experience, then, well, you’re wrong, and that’s just not realistic. This letter is to say how much this place will suck once we leave here.
Let’s start with the obvious reason. We’re the last group of students that were here when we won the Rose Bowl in 2014, and considering our football team is now collecting sexual assault violations more than wins these days, that’s probably something you won’t see again for a very long time. You’ll never get to dance in the streets or flip cars over like we got to during our time here.
To the junior class, we’re sorry that your college experience will just be like the movie sequel that couldn’t live up to the original, a sad version of its former self – kind of like the new tan Sparty. We’re sorry we were the last class to experience a normal Sparty before he went all sorority girl on us. We’re sorry that you have to stay here with a bunch of underclassmen that don’t know what it’s like to make it to the Final Four and destroy MSU property while doing so.
To the sophomores, you’re kind of the forgotten ones, to be honest. Not yet cool enough to be a true upperclassman, yet not new enough for seniors to cougar on like the freshmen. You guys will soon be juniors and be old enough to go to bars. Those bars, however, will be overrun by the sounds of the pending instruction of the new Target being built here. If that plan goes through, your first bar experience might come with a soccer mom’s daily trip to the grocery store. That makes butt-chugging a pitcher at ‘Rama a little less exciting with little Jimmy watching outside.
To the freshmen, your ride here is just getting started, and it’s not going so great, is it, Jennifer? You’ve spent the last year thinking college would be this amazing experience, except now you’ve gained 15 pounds, you’re stressed out, and the only thing you wear is sweatpants for those few times a week that you do go to class. At least we had the Abbot Conrad’s to blame for our obesity; you don’t even have that.
To the high school seniors that will come to MSU next year, your life sucks most of all, because you never got to bask in the fall-off-the-roof-naked glory that was the class of 2017. You will hate your freshman-year roommate so much that you’ll want to throw them out the window and you won’t have the superior intellect of our guidance of four years of doing that already.
Fuck all of you – it’s unfair we have to leave and you get to stay. But don’t worry, we’ll be back for homecomings to take over once again. So don’t get comfortable, you shit-heads!
The MSU Senior Class (that is better than all of you)