Michigan State’s men’s basketball team is going up against Purdue today. They are ranked Number 3 in the NCAA, while we are ranked number 4, so it’s sure to be an exciting game. However, the big question that everyone at MSU has been asking more than anything about this game is: what the fuck is a ‘Boilermaker?’ We sure as fuck don’t know, so let’s fucking find out together.
The first logical thing to look up would be Purdue’s mascot… which is this… guy…
Good lord, he looks like The Burger King’s drug addicted brother-in-law. They call him Purdue Pete, but we’d rather call the authorities. Purdue Pete also looks like a really bad knock-off of our very own Sparty, like he got plastic surgery to try and look like Sparty. Pete looks like The Big Boy if he was a fifth year college student. Pete looks like Woody from Toy Story if instead of a cowboy, Woody was a depressed middle-aged man. However, apparently, Purdue Pete isn’t Purdue’s official mascot.
Purdue’s official mascot is a train, called the Boilermaker Special. That name sounds like a sex position where you get railed by 7 guys one after the other. So now the boilermakers sound a bit more interesting. However, when you google search ‘boilermaker,’ neither Purdue Pete or The Boilermaker Special show up first.
Instead you get a beer cocktail called the Boilermaker! Look, we know college students can get pretty sloshed up, trust us, us MSU students would know, but you don’t have to go naming your team after a drink! If we did, we would’ve changed our team name to the Michigan State Three Dollar Pitchers at The Riv years ago! Something tells us that there must be more to this. What the fuck is a Boilermaker?
Here we have a Boiler with Maker’s… It feels like we’re on the right track now. But it really seems that Boilermaker in this sense has to do with trains.
This ‘Boilermaker’ bed seems more like a bed advertising Target than Purdue. Are The Boilermakers just a sneaky advertising campaign by Target? I guess the answer is that Boilermakers are sellouts.
But here we have a statue at Purdue University with a worker pounding an anvil with a hammer. Apparently, a boilermaker is a person who makes stuff out of steel, but Purdue you done fucked up and made this statue out of bronze. They didn’t even let boilermakers make a statue of a boilermaker! That’s just going against everything you stand for right there.
Ok, we feel like we now have a good idea of what the fuck a boilermaker is, or at least a passable idea that we can pretend we know. Regardless, go green!
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