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President Simon Walks at Graduation to See If People Even Recognize Their Own Damn University President


With suspicion that a high percentage of students aren’t familiar with the university administration, let alone the president of the university herself, President Simon conducted an experiment during one of the several Spartan graduation ceremonies this semester. She donned a cap and gown, as any graduating Spartan would, and walked. She ensured that her name was read in alphabetical order, and even had a phony diploma given to her when she was due to receive it. Not surprisingly, nobody noticed.


“I just thought that lady forgot her diploma last time she walked,” said FarmHouse e-board member Joe Hewitt. “You know, like she was all caught up in the moment when she walked for real and forgot it and what not.” Hewitt claimed the only person he identified as president was Donald Trump, and didn’t think ‘this Simon lady’ was fit to run ‘the county of East Lansing’.


Wanting to make this experiment valid, Simon tried very hard to ensure that nothing would separate her from those walking with her. She attended graduation rehearsal, and decorated her cap and gown. She even hung out with a group of seniors after, and engaged in a thrilling game of ‘throw a bottle onto Grove Street’. She took a picture near the Stadium, and took a picture holding the left pec of the Spartan statue. Nothing separated her from the graduating Spartans, except for the minor, small detail that she is the president of their university. Then, upon the day of graduation, she walked across stage and received an average round of applause, like any student would.


“Like, you know, some old people go to school again,” said a slightly intoxicated graduate named Emma Wilson. “I just thought she came back to State and maybe got, like, an art degree or something.” When asked if she felt guilty for not recognizing President Simon, Wilson exclaimed, “Come on, who wouldn’t recognize President Obama?” then proceeded to stumble to Los Tres Amigos for a classy post-graduation meal with her family.


After such a lack of recognition, President Simon is determined to maximize her presence around campus. Methods of achieving this include her own bronze statue placed in the Brody cafeteria and the voice of the crosswalk timer being changed to her own. Lastly, users of MSU Wi-Fi will be subject to President Simon’s bitmoji being forced onto their phones. According to President Simon, “It’s the best we can do.”


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