Deciding to lighten things up for his history seminar this year, Professor Ted Bilogg opted for a spontaneous one-man musical number right in the middle of his first day of class, in order to find a fun and easy way to make clear the swift and permanent punishment that will result from academic dishonesty.
“Now I know what you’re thinkin’,” spoke the professor over 4-4 time piano to an increasingly non-plussed room of students. “You’re thinkin’, hey prof, what’s the deal with academic dishonesty? What is that, like, an iPhone?”
This cued an apparently pre-timed sound effect of slide whistles and snare crash before the professor shook his top-hatted head and said, “Tsk tsk tsk children. I thought you’d know better than that. ’Cause you seeeee…”
While an extremely elaborate piano arpeggio broke out, one which seemed to get higher and higher and in fact climbed well past the standard range of an 88-note piano scale, Bilogg stretched the word “see” to considerable length before sweating vigorously and kneeling down to break out into bellowing swansong.
“When you have a paper due / You mustn’t break that one taboo! / Hey, it’s good to have a plan / So you won’t be a cheatin’ man.” With this last lyric the professor leaned his face uncomfortably close to junior Rachel Karnockle, who in interviews later said that she “didn’t understand what was happening” and “wasn’t a man, so why did he focus on me?”
The professor then got out several decrepit ceramic honey pots, each labeled “Your Academic Career”, before, with a broad grin and a twinkle in his eyes, violently smashing each with a bat labeled “Copying Information Without Citing Your Sources”.
Several people were reported to get plaster in their eyes and were found coughing and sneezing while the professor sang about “the importance of expulsionability” and used a cartoonishly large suitcase to symbolize packing up your things if you even so much as consider an unsupported block-quote.
As several students attempted to evacuate Bilogg’s classroom, the professor barricaded himself in front of the door and then proceeded to climb onto a previously unnoticed makeshift diving board, off which he cannonballed right into a plastic blue kiddie pool, splashing all present with red water that had been thickened with shredded Wikipedia articles.
Rising from the dripping viscous goo, the professor looked directly into his students’ eyes and over the sound of pre-recorded applause asked, “Any questions?”