Feeling lonely in your first week up at college? Of course you are. Because we at The Black Sheep aren’t your friends, we’re going to tell you how to make some with the people who were hoping they’d never have to see you again after spending all day with your sweaty, desperate ass. AOP gave you a gift. Let’s utilize it.
7.) Send Them a Venmo Payment Request:
One of the best ways to let Bethany know you’re still totally down to be friends this year is to send her a good old-fashioned text message. You, however, are way too quirky and fun to do that. Solution? Charge that future sister of Alpha Feta Cheese a clever $20.21 to commemorate the start of your college career together! Add a cute note that says, “Love the Conner George poster in your room! Looks great through my binoculars into your window!” You’ll never sit alone in Akers caf again.
6.) Attend Their Floor’s Meetings:
Put your sleuthing cap on and dive deep into the bowels of their Instagrams, Snapchats, and Twitters to uncover their campus residencies. Once you’ve located the roosts of your desired companions, assimilate yourself into their floor. Craig from Montana definitely won’t notice you traveled across campus just to pretend to be his suitemate in Case. Besides, you freshmen are so desperate for friendship that we’re sure the kiddos who actually live there would appreciate an extra body in the hall to bond over homesickness.
5.) Start a GroupMe That Only You Will Contribute to:
You probably got some phone numbers from AOP if you weren’t a total goddamn loser, so a group chat is the way to go, right? Wrong. It’s all about GroupMe now. Make everyone download an entirely new app, throw them into a group discussion, accidentally change the group photo to a selfie at least twice because you thought you were changing your personal photo, then let the games begin. Then let them end just as quickly, because you’re the only sorry sack of shit that can’t make friends on your own and nobody responds to your outdated memes or requests for buddies on a combo run.
4.) Add Them on LinkedIn:
College isn’t about the parties or the memories; it’s about preparing for the real world. One way to do that is to build your professional network. Add everyone you met on the social media of the working world. There’s no reason Chuck from Livonia wouldn’t want to endorse your social media skills to impress your future employers. Feeling spicy? Send Brooke from Traverse City a “Congrats!” message on her two-year anniversary of working for Bath & Body Works! This is true friendship.
3.) Find Them in Class:
Did you follow Peyton from her dorm all the way to the Chemistry Building? Yes, you did. Do you have a class in the Chemistry Building? No, you don’t, but Peyton doesn’t know that. Don’t be desperate and sit next to her right a way. Sit behind her at first, then say, “Peyton? Is that you? I totally almost missed you and your caramel blonde highlights, hazel eyes and AB blood type!” She’ll totally invite you to sit with her, and the best part is you two besties can chat all class, since you don’t have to listen, because it’s not yours!
2.) Invite Them Onto Your Podcast:
This one’s ambitious, but high risk, high reward. You’ve been the dedicated host to “Hammered Hammers,” your boozey talk show about the favorite tools you find in your dad’s garage, for four years now. There’s no way anyone would turn down chatting about flatheads and power saws with you for an hour and a half. Also, the alcohol thing. Freshmen tend to not pass on that either.
1.) Date Their Dad:
If all else fails, you need to date their dad. There is no other option. Literally none. They can’t escape your friendship when you’re their step-mom.
If, after all this, you’re still a friendless loser, just know that you did your best. Your best wasn’t good enough, though, so go back to playing Minecraft alone in your dorm room now.