We’ve all been here—stumbling down Grand River at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday, besotted, covered in glitter and the sweat of some dude named Tanner. Each passing car makes you queasy, so you stop and rest outside Panda Express. You stare blankly, your palms like Eminem’s, asking yourself, “Is this rock bottom?” Rest easy friend, it isn’t. Here’s how to travel to your destination when your fear of Uber is combined with a level of intoxication that rivals current-day Randy Quaid.
6.) Extort a local shop owner into driving you home:
We’ve all played the hit 2006 video game The Godfather and know that the only way to accomplish anything in this rough ‘n’ tough world is through extortion. Now, what is extortion? It’s the action of grabbing life by the balls! So demand they drive you to your destination, and if they refuse, start with the kneecaps.
You’re fucked up. A combination of Beefeater, cookies you stole from the Union, and Tanner’s spit-sweat all sloshing around in your belly. Suddenly, your mind turns to 2006 pop culture and holy shit there he is—Mr. James Bond doing parkour. You can probably do parkour, too. So yeah, you start climbing shit and jumping. Why not? You’re invincible. What could go wrong?
4.) Call that one friend with the fun name:
Roni! Shiloh! Tanner! We all have that quirky friend with the off-kilter, self-given name. These friends tend to be the most loyal and dependable, even if they’re better than you. Immediately dial those mugs up and get your ass a ride home!
3.) Email your TA:
A good TA is up at any hour and available any time. So, write an email asking for their help in your desperate time of need. While you’re asking them for help, you might as well shoot your shot and ask them to come over and watch your favorite 2006 Denzel Washington movie, The Inside Man.
2.) Give up and just wait until dawn:
Morning is only a few hours away, so why not just give up? This list was supposed to be about alternative ways of traveling, but what’s more edgy and different than just giving up? Pop a squat outside that Panda and wait until someone discovers your sad and seemlingly lifeless body.
1.) Use the sewer:
We’ve all seen the 2006 DreamWorks film, Flushed Away, and know that rats aren’t actually all evil. So, why not use the sewer? Your drunk-ass can fit in anything, and this way, the police won’t bust you for being publicly intoxicated.
As the great Ernest Hemingway once said, “I want to die.” Heavy drinking sometimes has us agreeing with ol’ populist Ernie Hems. No matter which way you end up traveling from point A to point B, The Black Sheep wants you to be safe, but more importantly, have the gall to be different enough to travel alternatively.