In what is being hailed by casual observers and experts alike as a huge win for campus safety, Michigan State University unveiled a new initiative today to line all bike lanes with bear traps.
“This is something that has been in the works for a long time, and I’m excited to see this next major step in campus safety finally come to fruition,” said MSU police chief and director of public safety Jim Dunlap. “We’re hoping to begin putting out the traps within the next week, and the project should be completed by the time students return from Thanksgiving break.”
The bold proposal sparked a strong reaction from students and faculty alike, almost all of whom praised it as a common-sense solution to one of the gravest threats facing college campuses in America today.
“Bears, honestly, scare the shit out of me,” said marketing junior and MSU hunt seat equestrian team member Sophie Sugarman. “When I’m riding my bike on campus, especially at night, I used to have to be alert and constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure one of those ursine fucks wasn’t tailing me. It’ll be nice to finally be able to bike down the rape trail in peace.”
Criminal justice professor Jacques Van Gecko, a renowned expert on bear-human conflict, couldn’t agree more.
“American college students have a bad habit of not only underreporting, but also underestimating the risk of, bear attacks,” she told The Black Sheep. “A move like this shows how committed MSU is to tackling the real safety risks facing its students, and will hopefully establish the university as an example for others to follow.”
The enormity and boldness of the proposed policy drew the attention of not only Michigan State students and faculty, but late-night TV hosts as well. Stephen Colbert, current host of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and fervent anti-bear activist, couldn’t help but mention the initiative on his show.
In a rare moment of sincerity on an otherwise humorous and light-hearted program, Colbert had to fight back tears as he spoke about how much MSU’s new bear traps mean to him and to the entire anti-bear community.
“I’ve long held that bears are the number one threat to America, despite the vicious attacks from the mainstream media decrying this position as ‘ludicrous’ or ‘an obvious, if poorly-executed, attempt at humor’,” he said to a respectfully silent audience. “Michigan State University will go down in history as the first institution brave enough to tackle the giant 600-pound bear in the room head-on. They take the safety of their students seriously, and I hope it won’t be long until we begin seeing action like this on a state-wide or national level.”
At press time, all of Michigan’s approximately 15,000 black bears — 90% of which live in the Upper Peninsula — declined to comment, beyond grunting and rubbing their necks and shoulders on trees to scent-mark their territory.