Michigan State took a major hit in its efforts to rebrand itself in recent months when it was revealed that Zeke the Wonder Dog is pregnant, despite attempts to educate him in comprehensive sex education. The announcement strikes a blow to the administration’s campaign to paint MSU as a safe campus that takes sex education seriously.
“Honestly, I’m baffled,” said Zeke’s handler Alan Venturo. “First of all, I could have sworn Zeke was a dude. Is that really what, uh, what dog vaginas look like? Then what do the penises look like?”
After initial attempts to cover up the identity of Zeke’s paramour, The National Enquirer finally leaked that a handsome Dalmatian with a stable career and a smart-but-sexily-risky investment portfolio had been seen leaving her quarters late one Friday night. Independent reporting by The Black Sheep has confirmed the sire-to-be is none other than Sir Pompington, Baron Pompington, and that he is indeed devilishly handsome.
“Really? That’s a vagina? Why didn’t anyone on this god-forsaken campus tell me that?” Mr. Venturo continued, looking distraught. “What the fuck is a vagina?”
MSU students had varying reactions to the news, with some expressing joy while others expressed a glaring lack of knowledge of basic reproductive biology.
“I’m so happy for them! I know they’ll be the best doggy parents ever!” Squealed freshman Amanda Pametan. “Don’t dogs lay eggs?” Asked local moron Scott Beznadan.
MSU’s administration seemed to take a vow of silence regarding the news, quietly announcing an internal review of Zeke’s sex-ed program and management but otherwise staying mum. An email to the director of the Center for Training Zeke the Wonder Dog to Catch Frisbees was answered with an automated message: “The CTZWDCF has no comment at this time. And no, you may not have one of the puppies no matter how cute they turn out to be, so stop asking, Brenda.”
“Does anyone on this campus know what a vagina is? Or how sex works? How is it the only one around here who knows what a healthy and normal sex life is, is a fucking bitch?”
At press time, Mr. Venturo was seen accompanying the Board of Trustees in a meeting with a mysterious woman that sources claim may be a potential buyer of the pups. Information on her was scarce, but her license plate was seen to read “Dev Il”.