7 Sinful Places on Campus that Need the Watchful Eye of a Cardboard Cutout of Ryan Gosling
As the Wells Hall Preacher well knows, MSU’s campus is a den of sin. Lustful eyes, gluttonous mouths, and covetous intentions flood the East Lansing grounds on a daily basis, ensuring everyone the eternal damnation we all deserve. However, fear not, for the watchful eyes of a cardboard cutout of Ryan Gosling are here to reform your ways. We’ve located the focal points of sin on campus most in need of Ryan’s virtuous gaze, putting us all on the path to salvation.
7.) This coat rack in the Auditorium building:
Notorious for rampant sexuality, theatre students simply can’t get a grip on their lustful ways. Here stands the Gos, silent, stoic, letting all the fornicators in the Auditorium building know that their pre-marriage penetrations are a one-way ticket to fiery damnation, from this coat rack on the second floor. Soon Ryan will purge all student actors of their virulent sex Drive.
6.) The trash can in front of Snyder:
For Ryan, nothing is worse than a wasteful college student, as evidenced by this overflowing trash can outside Snyder. So now he stands, silently shaming gluttonous pigs in cardboard form. Think twice before you eat that full rotisserie chicken in one bite, because as you throw away the bones RG’s not going to treat you like you’re one of The Nice Guys.
5.) This weird-ass plant in Owen:
You greedy fuckers in Owen think you can get away with such a wasteful expenditure? Not on cardboard Ryan Gosling’s watch. He knows as well as you do that this weird-ass plant has no place in a home of higher learning, and he’ll hypnotize you with his slightly different-direction-pointing eyes until you see things his way. If you don’t heed his warning, soon Owen will suffer a Big Short.
4.) The volleyball net by Abbot:
The effervescently muscular Gosling can’t stand lazy MSU students, and he knows firsthand how casual volleyball is used by the sloth-like to project fitness without exerting any real effort. Fortunately, a cardboard cutout of Ryan’s head is wedged in the volleyball net beside Abbot to scare off those who dare hide their atrophied bodies. Your indolence, like All Good Things, must end.
3.) The bike racks by West Holmes:
Have you ever been so frustrated with your bike lock that you wanted to tear it in half and throw it in the Red Cedar? If yes, then prepare your skin for the flames of Hell because rage is a sin, you silly little rascal! Before you release your frustration in a healthy way, just remember that Gosling is staring you down, begging you to bottle up your anger and never be open about your feelings. While your heathen friends may tolerate your wrath, Only God Forgives the repressed.
2.) The outdoor stage by the Auditorium building:
Actors have two modes: horny and envious. Though Ryan’s delicious paper visage has solved the sex problem in MSU’s theatre community, the burning desire to take what others have is still a rampant disease among those who tread the boards. Thankfully his head is perched on the Aud’s outdoor stage like a hawk, waiting to pounce on the envious with his objectively attractive talons. You’ll be sent Blade Runner-ing to the Edgewood United Church on Beech Street.
1.) Justin Bensley’s dorm room:
Justin Bensley is a gentle, kind astrophysics sophomore at State, and he rightfully takes pride in his goodness. Regrettably, pride is technically a sin, and he therefore must prepare his back for the lashes of Satan’s leathery whip. Not all hope is lost for him, though, as Ryan Gosling’s cardboard head has agreed to keep covert watch over Justin’s dorm in Phillips Hall, taking careful notes in The Notebook of Justin’s prideful actions. At the end of every week they’ll have a progress report meeting to ensure Justin is attaining his humble goals, saving the sweet man from the damnation he most certainly doesn’t deserve.