Everyone’s favorite blood bank recently made its way to East Lansing to paint the town red. Spartans everywhere shuffled in to generously donate a pint of iron-rich Kool-Aid.
“I was the only one in my graduating class with a Red Cord, so I always assumed that helping people was, like, my special talent,” said social work student Joseph Hull. “At this point, my body is used to functioning on a pint less of blood than a normal human.”
When asked about his MSU blood drive experience, a look of gloom fell over Hull’s slightly pale face.
“I was making conversation with the girl when she tore the needle out of my arm and asked me to leave. I don’t know what the problem was; I made sure to take 5 iron supplements the night before.”
The lead phlebotomist on duty told The Black Sheep of her time with Hull.
“I asked him how he was enjoying his time at MSU when he told me something every phlebotomist dreams of encountering: he told me he ‘bleeds green.’”
The condition, known as Green Blood Syndrome (not to be confused with the 90s Irish rap group) has only been documented 12 times throughout history, each one occurring in the East Lansing area.
The Red Cross, along with the hematology majors at MSU, are working diligently to diagnose the cause of this rare disease. Until the scientific cause is found, their advice is to check your blood daily and avoid St. Patrick’s Day festivities at all costs.
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