In East Lansing, the cold months are hellish to endure, and force upon you a kind of isolation that can drive any reasonable soul mad. Fortunately, there’s one outdoor activity guaranteed to lift your spirit and rejuvenate your soul as you withstand another Michigan winter: pole licking. We’d like to offer you a guide on which poles to apply your tongue to and the proper method of approach to initiate such a delicate procedure.
6.) Outside the Wells Hall Starbucks:
Scoping out a suitable pole first requires smoky glances at a distance. Aim your body towards the pole and look upon it with an innocent tenderness at a distance of at least thirty feet. This ensures the pole’s comfort and, in the case of this light post outside the Wells Hall Starbucks, helps it relax and ease into beautiful reality of being licked by a sleep-deprived undergrad.
5.) Right By the Red Cedar:
Sometimes the most seductive poles are unavailable to the mouth, a sad reality we all must deal with. In the case of this little safety-pole by the Red Cedar, all we can do is pray that one day it will be set free.
4.) By the Computer Center:
When increasing your proximity to a pole, it becomes necessary to adopt a “too-cool-for-this” attitude, a la James Dean or your Uncle Dave that one time he babysat you. Get a wide stance for a totally tubular foot-lean that establishes first contact, and you too can show this Emergency Call pole by the Computer Center that you’ll keep your chill once the mouth parts come out.
3.) The Hall of Agriculture:
This campus has a way of bringing you up then tearing you down, for right when you’ve gathered enough confidence to get to first base it thrusts in front of you the most bodacious prospect your eyes ever did see. Alas, the massive support beams on the Hall of Agriculture are too impractical to lick, but one day …
… one day.
2.) By the MSU Museum:
East Lansing’s old-timey poles have been around the block a few times, and have no qualms with a sauntering approach. Get your pelvis up close to this pole by the Museum, because it means business and its outsides are simply too dry.
1.) Beaumont Tower:
When you venture out of your heated cave for some down-and-dirty East Lansing pole lickin’, you want to shoot for the moon. Go the full Monty. Leap high for a slam dunk. Campus’s most coveted pole is the one and only Beaumont Tower. The poor thing is so intimidating it never gets any love, so cling to its base like a koala and plant your mark of saliva, because this tongue-on-pole fiesta is leaving the train station. Yippee ki-yay.
Will your tongue get stuck? Hopefully. God willing. There are few fates more prized than the eternal adhesion to a lover’s embrace. Live your life to fullest, and god damn it, get your viscous tongue on some saucy MSU poles.
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