This is the definitive list of where not to make a deposit into the porcelain bank on campus, unless you’re trying to lose ten pounds of water weight for a wrestling meet. These are the worst of the worst and are reserved for emergencies only. If you ever need to build a log cabin in one of these places, good luck and godspeed.
6.) Akers Hall:
Akers hall is the best worst place to poop on campus, but still is a terrible experience. Not only do you have to deal with the constant foot traffic of overly talkative freshman, you have to experience their smells. Now normally, freshman smell like Axe deodorant and haven’t showered in 3 days. However East neighborhood is also home to countless students who all seem to smell like cigarettes and fish asshole. Nothing is worse than trying to deploy the USS Brownfish when it smells better than the bathroom itself.
5.) Campbell Hall:
Campbell is a beautiful building on a beautiful campus, and the bathrooms are all in the middle of the building with none of that benefit. The small isolated stalls sit securely in between the building’s radiator and the garbage. That means that whilst you are taking care of a code brown, you can enjoy the complimentary roasting garbage smell mingling along with your own au natural perfume.
4.) Olds Hall:
Olds hall suffers from “Old Fucking Building Syndrome.” No air conditioning, tiny stall, and worst of all these is only one of them. So, when the 200+ person lecture hall gets out and they all need to come to the only available bathroom in the building; it won’t just be the oppressive heat that’s making you sweat. Churnin’ the dookey butter in here is like being a drunk freshman at the first frat party during welcome week.
It takes a truly desperate man to unloose their caboose in Sny-Phi, but sometimes it must be done. Don’t be fooled by their lavish 20 year old “lounge” furniture outside, it’s just as gross as the porcelain throne you are soon to be seated upon. You, and everyone one else affected by the cafeteria “food,” are going to have to battle it out to determine the pecking order for who takes the Browns to the super bowl first, and who is going to have to play peek-a-boo for a while.
2.) Berkey Hall:
Berkey is a special bathroom, as it is consistently in the same foul state no matter when it was last clean. Never truly dirty, nor clean, just some unholy abomination between the two like a colonoscopy performed in purgatory. Only usable when you absolutely MUST let the dogs out during that useless, but required, recitation for your 200 level class.
1.) Holmes Hall:
Holmes is the single worst and sweatiest place to cut a rope in on campus for one simple reason: you’re in Holmes Hall. Those smug bastards in the “honor” college brag and brag about how they’re the best on campus. The only thing worse than being trapped in Holmes Hall while having to cut a log is having to do so while trapped in there with anyone who lives in Holmes Hall.
Dropping a deuce is a sacred pastime for men and women everywhere. It is a time of peace, quiet, and satisfaction. Do yourself a favor and never for any reason make like Snoop Dogg and drop it like it’s hot, anywhere on this list.
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