Michigan State was once a university that everyone admired… That is, until millennials came and messed everything up. They come onto this illustrious campus with their Snapchat face filters and their avocado toast and ruined the MSU name in more ways than one.
Tailgates used to be where you could drink and eat good food while waiting for the game to start. However millennials had to request there to be “vegetarian options” and “local brews.” Millennials treat tailgates like they’re tea parties. And heaven forbid you accidentally throw a cornhole bag near any millennials, because they might blast you on social media for trying to hurt them.
6.) MSU Football:
The last time 3-9 was relevant was when it concerned 1939, the year the second world war started. Back in those days, people looked forward to losing limbs and getting paid under minimum wage for working. The millennials on MSU’s football team however can’t even hold onto the ball longer than the German Invasion of Denmark. They say that they “fought hard,” except back in the war days, you won if you fought hard, and died if you lost! Maybe if there were landmines on the field, they’d learn to throw a ball.
5.) The Rock:
Rocks usually go undisturbed for millions of years, but The Rock is targeted by millennials daily, and now resembles someone with too many layers of makeup on. Millennials paint The Rock to advertise for their little clubs instead of advertising the old fashion way by going door to door and talking to people. Now a rock does the talking for them while they worry about their Tinder profile or going vegan.
4.) All of the restaurant closings:
Millennials love to spend money on stupid luxuries such as craft beer and goat yoga, but they can’t even help struggling business owners, the backbone of America, to keep their restaurants open? Last year Cosi, Sweet Lorraine’s Fabulous Mac n’ Cheez, and Conrad’s Grill all closed down! Now these spots are going to be taken by the corporate man, and millennials will flock to them like the sheep they are.
3.) The Sparty Statue:
The original Sparty Statue was a symbol of MSU’s strength in its heyday. But millennials had to go and replace it with a new statue in 2005 because Sparty was “getting old” and “was showing wear and tear.” Well, newsflash, that’s what builds character! But instead the Millennials just stuck the old Sparty in a room without second thought, just like they stick their grandparents in nursing homes.
2.) Zeke the Wonder Dog:
Millennials are always saying that they want a “doggo.” Well the best “doggo” had always been Zeke the Wonder Dog– that frisbee loving boy who sadly passed away this year. Millennials however seemed to have already moved on, since they got a new Zeke the Wonder Dog the day after he died! Zeke must be rolling over to catch frisbees in his grave knowing millennials replaced him faster than an iPhone with a cracked screen.
1.) MSU tuition:
Recently MSU’s tuition was raised for the eighth consecutive year. Millennials just have to keep raising it, don’t they? They say that people need to “go big or go home.” Well, they better not start crying about money troubles, because they put this on themselves. They’ll start whining that they can’t pay for school, even though they all suspiciously can attend twenty music festivals yearly and have the latest iPhone.
MSU has seen better days before millennials came. Who knows what they’ll ruin next, but when they do, they’ll obviously blame anyone but themselves.