If you’re lucky enough to get a woman to go on a date with you, chances are you’re going to want to take the opportunity to please your anaconda (or garter snake, no judgment) on the occasion. This is where lying becomes your best friend. Here are the top 10 lies we suggest throwing out while hanging out with a pretty lady that might help your mission.
10.) “My eyes are red because I just read The Fault in Our Stars.”: If you were just toking up with your burnout roommate, blame the reddened eyes on the tears you shed while reading John Green’s tragic love tale, The Fault in Our Stars. Rant the injustice of the whole story, and maybe even a shed a tear while saying “love should never die.” She’ll be super-touched by your sensitivity and might just touch you later, too.
9.) “I have a golden retriever puppy.”: This lie is twofold. Bitches love puppies, so let your lady know that you have a fluffy ball of joy waiting at your bedside to greet her. However, since you don’t actually have a puppy, proceed to the next lie to make sure your story stays consistent!
8.) “Sorry for checking my phone, my roommate just texted me that the puppy died!”: Break into tears if you have the emotional capacity to imagine how tragic this would truly be. She’ll feel so bad for your loss that sympathy sex is basically guaranteed.
7.) “Ross totally wasn’t on a break!”: Assert this even if you think he was on a break. You’re an idiot, but let the woman sitting across from you know that you think Ross was completely in the wrong; this will then lead her to think you are loyal and worth getting in the sack with.
6.) “No, that isn’t a hickey! I actually got burned fighting off a mugger from an old lady.”: How brave are you, you dog? Fighting off criminals from the elderly and having a mark to prove it? Consider yourself banged up in a different way, if you get what we’re saying.
5.) “I’d never go on Tinder just to hook up!”: While this is essentially the point of swiping right, you could play up your sensitive side further and say you’re looking for a deeper connection. Just don’t let her see that your last message on the app was “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
4.) “You’re right!”: A male will rarely admit to his mistakes! Just uttering these words is enough of a preview to let her know what the foreplay will be like. Say it often, and say it like you mean it. You will be rewarded.
3.) “I’d hangout tomorrow, but I have to go to the old people home and read to someone whose eyesight has gone to shit.”: You’re generous with your time, so she’ll probably assume you’re generous elsewhere, too.
2.) “I’ll always let you finish, I promise!”: Even if your lasting time is about eight seconds, she doesn’t have to know that. Let her know how considerate you are, and that it’ll be worth her time
1.) “Sorry I got distracted, I was thinking about women’s rights.”: Just hope she doesn’t ask a follow up question, and she’ll think you’re a politically conscious member of society and that intelligence is sexy.