College mascots are generally regarded as just entertainers, and nothing more. Luckily, the students at Michigan State University have the best mascot, as he’s more than a silly performer: he’s a Business major. Here’s why Sparty will beat you out for every single job interview:
10.) He Knows Advertising and Branding:
Are you the most well-known college mascot? No? Didn’t think so. Sparty and his logo are known across the globe, giving him a well-established brand. He is his own advertising; he brings effortless joy to everyone. You do not.
9.) His LinkedIn Profile and Résumé Kick Ass:
How can your puny, fast food laden résumé compete with the résumé of a 91-year-old college mascot? How can your profile picture, taken on a Motorola Razr from 2004, compete with the stunning headshots of MSU’s expensive photographer? You’re totally fucked when competing for the most experience, in the field or out.
8.) He Invested in Facebook Early On:
Sparty invested in Facebook way back in 2004 – before you’d even become a teenager. He’s profiting off of those shares very well, and even opened his own cafés around campus with the money he earned, giving him even more profits. You have eight shares in McDonald’s – congrats on those $7.50 checks every quarter.
7.) He Has Sicker Dance Moves:
If you find yourself at a kickass mixer, you know Sparty will be there, dominating the dance floor. He’ll be dropping verses about supply chain management as he goes, always eager to please the CEOs roaming about. How can you compete with a breakdancing mascot?
6.) He Owns a Fancy Calculator:
When Sparty went off to college, his mom gave him a very expensive, solar-powered, gold-encrusted calculator developed for Bill Gates. How will your dinky TI-84 beat out a calculator with diamond buttons?
5.) He is Hot as Hell:
We know, we know, you went to the gym twice this month. That’s good for you, but have you seen Sparty? The man is all muscles. He can dazzle the pants off of any professor or potential employer, leaving you feeling empty and raw. Maybe you should try being the funny guy instead.
4.) He Has His Own Statue:
Everyone trusts a man with a statue. Everyone.
3.) He Passed BUS 291 with a 4.0:
Sparty doesn’t like to brag, but he totally kicked ass on Leavitt’s final, earning himself a perfect score in the class. Not only did he turn in every assignment early, he tutored his peers and brought in apples every day. You probably can’t even afford apples! Sparty may be a suck-up, but he can surely survive in the cutthroat world of business.
2.) He’s a Spa and a Party All in One:
In Budapest, there are famous spa/party combos called Spartys. Our Sparty embodies that – he can make you feel relaxed and at home, or totally go out and rave all night. That’s the kinda guy employers want – someone who never tires, likes to have fun, and makes them feel comfortable. Good luck topping that – you can barely survive a night at Rick’s.
1.) He Already Owns a Pricy Suit:
Your tailored Men’s Warehouse number will never do the trick against Sparty’s ensemble. Who wants a professional-looking, young entrepreneur when they could get a man that’s so comfortable with himself he wears a skirt? Sorry, kid, you’ve got a long way to go before you can get on his level.
It’s okay to be ashamed in yourself – it’s natural. You should consider switching to Communications next semester; it may be the hardest major, but at least you won’t have to compete with a Greek warrior for jobs.
No, you can’t use shacking to justify being “technically homeless”: