When you’re stumbling down Grand River at the end of a wacky night, you’ve got one thing on your mind: stuffing your face. Though you only have three soggy, crumpled dollar bills to call your own, Grand River has provided you with fine establishments to satisfy your needs in exchange for those measly bucks:
10.) Green and White McDonald’s:
A classic, McyD’s always pulls through. You may be 99 cents short of a Big Mac, but you can still ball out on the dollar menu. A McDouble, a McChicken, some McNuggets…feel free to mix and match. Is there anything McDonald’s McCan’t do?
9.) Panda Express:
A newbie to the Grand River scene, Panda Express is still in the process of proving itself worthy of its corner spot territory. Unfortunately, with your limited means, you can pretty much only afford a side of Chow Mein right now.
8.) Jimmy John’s:
If you’re on the move and you need something freakishly fast, Jimmy John is your man. Your wallet might not provide for your usual Turkey Tom tonight, but you can still get a chocolate chunk cookie and a giant pickle!
7.) Five Guys:
Not three, not four, but five wonderful men are working it behind that hot grill to make sure your gut gets stuffed tonight. You’re going to need to scrape together an extra 9 cents to afford an order of the little fries, but boy will it be worth begging strangers on the street for that nickel and four pennies.
6.) The Riv:
If you happen to find yourself stumbling down Grand River in the middle of the day on a Thursday, you’re in luck! Burgerama should be in full swing for you to pop over to The Riv and chow down on a burger and fries for $2.40. If you can swindle a pitcher from a stranger and happen to be wearing your favorite Rip Hamilton jersey already, you were meant to make a day of it!
5.) Noodles & Company:
Soon to move into the old, beloved Conrad’s location, it’s a little difficult to trust Noodles & Co. right now. To replace such a cherished provider of wraps and tots almost seems cruel. You may have noodles, and you may have a cool, future pop machine, but Noodles & Company, in the words of Kelly Clarkson, where is your heart?
4.) Tasty Twist:
A few buckaroos will go a long way at Tasty Twist. A waffle cone, a hot fudge sundae, even a chili cheese dog if you need some meat in your mouth. Whether you’re a hard scoop or a soft serve type of gal, the point is that you can go cray with the ‘scream!
3.) Cottage Inn:
What’s better than soft, warm bread and melty cheese, sprinkled with an assortment of meats and vegetables? Pizza is the way to go, and Cottage Inn is the place to feast. You’re about a dollar short of a personal pie, but you need those slices in your stomach asap rocky. Beg on the streets, sell your body, do what you must and get that ‘za!
2.) Campus Burger:
We know it’s hard not to order a billion pack of these bb slider burgers, but you must remember the chump change in your pocket, and for that you may only buy one. But beggars can’t be choosers, and it’s still a hearty snack to shove down your gullet and power you through the rest of your walk home.
RIP Conrad’s on primetime Grand River, but your legacy lives on. If you continue your journey down the River you’ll find a more intimate, way-out-of-your-way Conrad’s, but it’s a Conrad’s nonetheless. Long live mac and cheese bites!
To those with hunger in their stomachs, only dollars in their pocket, and love in their hearts, to you good things shall come. Fried things, grilled things, and things dipped in ranch all for you, to be stuffed in your mouth and regretted in the morning.
WATCH: For some, spring break is about partying on the beach. For others, it’s about wallowing in despair: