Junior year is the horrifying time between slacking off as a student and owning the real fear you might be jobless in two years. Prereq courses are almost done, and you’re still deciding if you actually like your major. Thankfully, we have someone who’s there for us no matter what. All Spartans have walked passed this beautiful man. You know who he is: John A. Hannah. Here’s 5 things every junior thinks when walking passed the Hannah Administration statue.
5.) “I want to rub a bottle of chipotle mayo from Sny-Phi on him”:
You’ve got a warrant out for your arrest. You’ve stolen a bottle of God’s nectar—the perfect equilibrium of sweet and spicy. Who would’ve thought such a paragon of modern taste could be in an MSU caf available for any sandwich a student pleases to create? Every junior has had a bottle of this bona fide Miracle Whip while walking by John H. You can almost hear him whispering to you, “Lather up my cold, bronze bust with that sauuuuuuuuuce.” And oh, believe me, we will Johnny. We will.
4.) “I love my packaging class!”:
College is an experimental time. You’ve been sizing up other guys since you first stepped foot on this concrete labyrinth. You’ve been grasping with the fact that your manhood is not so manly. It’s the main reason you became a packaging major – to compensate for your “fun size” package. You walk by Mr. Hannah. Needless to say, you’re impressed. Your package shrivels in fear compared to this man’s biological endowment. You think to yourself what it must’ve been like in-person. You give him a respectful and well-deserved nod. You keep walking and thinking what might have been.
3.) “Can I mount that obelisk of a man?”:
He’s incredibly tall. He’s sufficiently broad with just the right amount of girth. He’s undeniably handsome. He’s thicca than a King Size snicka. These are just a few things to describe big John. The question is: Can I mount that obelisk of a man?” Many have tried. Few have succeeded. It takes unquestionable bravery. It’s not just a physical endeavor, but an emotional one too. You’ve got to have grit. Mount the man. Be one of the esteemed riders of the John A. Hannah statue.
2.) “I’ve had 4 anxiety attacks, 2 nervous breakdowns and 36 existential crises in the past 48 hours”:
You’re a mess. You’re the literal human embodiment of Fireball and enchilada-filled puke on an MSU-themed velvet rug. You’re only one month in, but it’s already too much. You’re too busy. You’ve exhausted yourself. Good thing there’s always someone you can count on. He’s always there to listen. He always knows what to say, even if it’s nothing at all. He cares about you deeply. You vent to him about your frustrations. You love him. You’re attracted to him emotionally and very much so physically. He’s the one: John A. Hannah.
1.) “Who the hell is this guy?”:
You’ve been going to school here for three years now. You have no idea who John A. Hannah is or what he’s done. Sure, you may or may not have written satirical news articles about how great he is, but you have no clue who he actually is or what he actually did. His Wikipedia is no help at all. Why did they erect a statue of him? Why not Dantonio, Izzo, or even Zeke?
To all of us dealing with the existential gloom that junior year brings, always know the John A. Hannah is there for you. Silent, cold, and magnificent.