After years of yelling at unassuming students walking to class, the Wells Hall Preacher has finally brought the wrath of God down upon us all. The most recent flooding of the Red Cedar River is the worst MSU has seen in over 40 years, and the Preacher is taking advantage of the moment wholeheartedly.
“The Holy Spirit tells us: ‘He did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a preacher of righteousness, when He brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly!’ I am the modern-age Noah! This flood will bring Michigan State the retribution it deserves! Only I can save you!” He was heard saying on Monday morning.
According to recent rantings, the Preacher has illustrated an elaborate plan to build his own ark in response to the “cleansing floods.” Although students have passed him by, unaffected, many times before, the recent flooding has made many students worried he may have been right all along.
“I don’t know much about Noah, but I saw that Steve Carell movie where he built a really big boat for some reason,” quipped comm major, Jordan Greene.
Wells Hall Starbucks barista Michelle added, “I heard he plans on taking two students from every major, just like the story, or whatever.”
This claim was confirmed earlier this week as the Preacher began following the same method used in Genesis, choosing the students in groups of two based on their major. More than half of “the chosen” denied the offer, most fleeing in horror the moment the Preacher would grab them and shout, “You have been selected!”
As far as we know, the Preacher has selected two psych majors, two STEM majors, two forestry majors, and only one, gender-binary conforming RCAH major. A James Madison major, Harrison Booker, volunteered himself (self-)righteously:
“I have chosen the risk of self-preservation. I wish everyone else the best; this is a real sacrifice for me, though,” Booker was heard saying via Facebook Live.
While the select few will join the Preacher, battling against rip currents and the greater evils of the world, the rest of us on campus will await the rainbow at the end of it all.
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