Theatre enthusiasts were overwhelmingly disappointed this past weekend after discovering that the production entitled Wicked at the Wharton Center isn’t quite the Tony Award winning musical they expected. As audience members took their seventy-five dollar seats to view a travelling rendition of a Broadway smash, they were greeted with a program from The Roial Players that reads Wicked: The Untold Story of Jim Harbaugh. The play, written by Harry A. Simon, is actually a performance depicting the softer side of the University of Michigan’s overaggressive football coach.
“It’s a think piece,” Simon said. “A modern day The Book of Mormon.”
The production, which began on the 9th and will run until the 22nd, depicts Harbaugh’s college days as a U of M quarterback. Although he had one of the most sought after positions on the team, Harbaugh had no friends due to his aggressive and off-putting temperament, so he befriended Freddy P. Soft, an imaginary four-inch man who is known for his persuasion to procrastinate, as seen in his song, “Lazy.”:
You’re gonna be la-a-zy
I’ll teach you how to get laid
The tools of the trade
At a frat with beer and broads
Although Harbaugh must part from P. Soft and his way of life after weakening his performance on the field, this play truly shows his love for the little guy and how one must make sacrifices (like never having sex in your life to become a professional athlete) in order to achieve your goals.
“It’s the greatest play since Hello, Dolly!” Louise Hughes stated. People that aren’t in the production, however, think otherwise.
“Literally what the fuck is this,” exclaimed thespian Suzanne Ludeau, “I paid all that money to watch Harbaugh speak to a puppet?”
The production, consisting of three chairs, a puppet borrowed from a high school production of Pinocchio, and Jim Harbaugh himself, was not a massive crowd pleaser. The reception of Harbaugh’s one-man show brought out as much of his sensitive side as the show itself, as he hysterically sobbed after discovering people actually do bring tomatoes to throw on stage.
“I just wanted my story to be told,” sobbed Harbaugh, “I wanted people to know that Freddy P. Soft isn’t truly a bad guy. Me and him were just in different boats!”
The majority of the audience members instantly demanded a refund. The Roial Players, however, were unphased, for they were just ecstatic to make a production that more than twelve people saw.
“We are super excited to finally shine on the big stage,” stated Jeremy Vanerbuke, “It’s sort of demeaning when you perform inside of the same dorm hall you live in, y’know?”
The Wharton Center has confirmed that The Roial Players will return to perform Rent, their play about sucking off Sallie Mae to barely afford a 2-bedroom duplex, this upcoming March.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: