Welcome to college, freshmen. In case you didn’t pack all your besties from high school in your suitcase this fall, get ready to embark on a fascinating new journey of making friends. Whether you like it or not, you’ll somehow manage to rope in a couple other Spartans and form a freshman crew. So which crew member are you?
1: In elementary school you went to:
A) A rough and tumble public school.
B) Catholic school.
C) France, because your dad is like the Eiffel Tower’s lawyer or something.
D) Some Montessori school.
2: Your best senior prank was:
A) Abducting a homeless man for fun.
B) Drawing dicks on everyone’s diploma.
C) Coming to school naked.
D) Having a passionate affair with your dean, and then stealing their spouse’s Social Security number, and then eloping to Canada where you left them and ran off into the sunset alone on a moose.
3: What are you doing with your life?:
A) Still waiting for your friends to get on AIM.
B) Mostly couches.
C) Counting all the steps you took in one day for sex reasons.
D) Going to med school.
4: Your second choice school was:
A) Secretly Michigan.
B) Homeschool University on Pluto.
C) Some private college in Indiana.
D) Your couch and the The Price is Right.
5: How did you lose your virginity?
A) A banana.
B) At the corporate Taco Bell where they invent all the new burritos. You made love to a Burrito Scientist.
C) Accidentally fell into a well and don’t remember much, but everything south of the border was pretty F’ed up.
D) To the soundtrack of Britney Spears’ original movie, Crossroads.
- A) 3 B) 2 C) 4 D) 1
- A) 2 B) 1 C) 3 D) 4
- A) 4 B) 1 C) 3 D) 2
- A) 3 B) 4 C) 1 D) 2
- A) 1 B) 4 C) 2 D) 3
5-9 points: The One They’re Going to Kick Out By December
The rejection was inevitable. You’re probably left-handed, have natural red hair or drink white milk in the cafeteria. Whatever it was, you were a bit too diverse for your Freshman Crew. Like any minority in a horror film, you were the first to go. Hey, don’t worry, something cool might come your way these next four years. Let’s hope!
10-13 points: The One Who’s Got the Drugs
Ooh yeah, you’re a hot shot, sup-ah flame, 100% badass. Looks like you might be the illlest of the chillest in your Crew. The minute you flashed that med card to the kids on your floor, fifteen girls dropped their panties. Get ready to never stop hearing from the people in your Crew until graduation because it turns out they’re all going nowhere, and really need a weed guy.
14-17 points: The One Who is Hooking Up with a Senior
Congratulations, you are totally not getting herpes your freshman year. Not only did you avoid having to sleep with the “One Book, One Community” speaker from your orientation, but you’ve also gained the highest respect from your Crew. That’s right, you started dating a senior. Yeah, whatever, he or she is cheating on you probably all the time. But, you get to feel super cool sipping beers with weathered upperclassmen who all stopped wearing underwear. Oh yeah, you nailed it this year.
18+ points: The One Who is Too Hot to be Hanging Out with Us
Seriously though, why are you hanging out with these peasants? Stop belittling yourself with these ruffians and start marketing yourself to the Greek system so that in two years you can start dating someone with a trust fund and an exorbitant amount of pure-bred horses back at home. You don’t belong in that IM League team that will never come to fruition. You deserve to be on a golden pony with a majestic partner.