As everyone starts to finally recover from the welcome week cold/flu/strep throat, a new disease has set in on campus: date-party fever. To make the date acquisition process easier for our readers, The Black Sheep has set out to hook you up with a list of the top 5 most eligible bachelors to bring to your date party. Snag ’em while they’re still single:
5.) Your Boober Driver:
This date choice is a no brainer—just look at those calves! *Swoons* He even has his own transportation. You’ll feel like a modern-day Cinderella in your boober carriage as your date works his hardest to get you to your party destination. You won’t even mind how sweaty is after your hour-long ride to *insert sleazy Detroit club here* because it really shows how dedicated and hardworking he is. He probably has a great sense of direction too and can deliver you home safely after the DP even when you’re too drunk to remember your own address. Just don’t be too offended if he leaves early to fit in some more rides.
4.) Your Fidget Spinner:
If your biggest fear in life is having a date that’s a complete snooze, why not just bring along your favorite form of entertainment—your fidget spinner! Although it’s not technically a bachelor, you already know you’ll have a great time on your date. Whether you met at a college career fair, a sketchy table in NYC, or found it on the ground, you two go way back to when these things were still popular and had loads of fun together. You definitely won’t get bored with your fidget spinner around.
3.) The Diag Preacher:
Looking for a date with loads of passion and spontaneity? Look no further than your local diag! The Diag Preacher will serenade you eloquently with his feverish religious rhetoric, and if you’re lucky, he might even give you a Bible. Who needs flowers anyway? You can be sure that this date will make you the main attraction of the party, since everyone loves to stop and listen to the preacher’s crazy rant passionate words. Just don’t bring this one to your barn dance—you probably shouldn’t trust him near a fire pit.
2.) SouthU Rapper Guy:
Ever wanted to be able to tell your friends, “I dated him before he was famous?” If your answer is yes, this date is clearly the right choice for you. Not only will he drop mad beats when your bus driver refuses to turn up the radio, but he’ll also have some great music recommendations to share with you on the long bus ride ahead. He might even make you a mixtape if things go well! Your friends will marvel at his dope rap skills when he kicks out the club’s DJ and puts on a personalized show just for you.
1.) SouthU Newspaper Guy:
If SouthU rapper gets famous before you have the chance to take him to DP, don’t you worry, SouthU newspaper guy will always have your back. He consistently approaches you outside of Espresso Royale, so you already know he’s interested and won’t reject your invitation. Seeing him wave newspapers in your face on your walk to class is the only constant in your life, so you already know he’s reliable and won’t bail on you an hour before date party like the frat boy you asked to semi. If that didn’t already seal the deal, SouthU Newspaper guy is probably well informed on current events and issues in the news. This could make for some great lighthearted conversation on the bus ride to the event, like, “Did you know North Korea just fired another missile that has nuclear capacity?”
Bring our podcast as your date!