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5 Places the North Campus Turkey Could be Today

Our true mascott, our favorite poultry: the North Campus Turkey. We have greatly missed the large bird since its relocation in August 2015. There are many rumoured locations of the turkey’s whereabouts today, and we are becoming increasingly concerned that with each second that passes, it puts us one day closer to every turkey’s greatest fear. Here are 5 places we believe the North Campus Turkey is today:

5.) In the apartment of an EECS student:
Honoring the bird as the North Campus mascot, the university must be keeping him a secret from the Main Campus normies. Think about it: Central Campus has Reggie the Campus Corgi and fatter squirrels. Those CS bastards and their STAMPS cohorts probably feel ridiculously lonely all the way over there with their knockoff Rubik Cubes. The turkey is able to spread cheer for the saddest, weirdest fellas at the university.

4.) In the Forest Hills Cemetery:
The North Campus Turkey is not dead and in a grave, but alive and well, wandering up and down the serene, winding paths. If the turkey is here, we hope he is living his best life. Walking, pecking at things, and staring down potential enemies with his beady, little, black eyes; are all of his favorite things. Living in the cemetery would be like a vacation for him. It can be so exhausting posing for selfies with all the freshmen girls moving into Bursley.

3.) In Schlissel’s stomach:
We never liked the looks of this Schlissel guy. Wealthy enough to get what he wants in a business meeting (and probably in bed), he can surely per$uade someone into roasting up our favorite fowl. While we hope this theory is not true, it is a very real possibility.

2.) Turkey:
To be with his flock, of course. He’s probably partying it up in Istanbul. The North Campus Turkey is living the dream while you’re living in the Ugli.

1.) Somewhere in the Dude:
Things get lost there all the time, the turkey most likely included. Picture it: you’re fleeing from captors, and the only places to hide are behind a tree, or in the Dude. One quick turn in there, and you’ll lose the people trying to lasso you. He’s probably happy there. He’s got peace and quiet, space away from the obnoxious students, and all the Panda his heart desires.

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