Ah, recruiting season. Tragically conflicts with tailgate szn, but at least it’s right before “it’s-too-cold-to-my-leave-my-bed” season. If you’re also looking for an internship/job/anything but McDonald’s, you’ve probably wondered what the best way to secure that was without having to sell your soul to your Dad’s cousin’s best friend’s son who actually is, low key, the CEO of Google. Follow these great tips with your career fair recruiters, and you’ll be sure to become an “Incoming Investment Banking Summer Analyst Interviewee at Goldman Sachs” within seconds!
5.) Make sure everything you own is Michigan themed:
Nothing says “employ me!” like an overpriced Michigan padfolio, a Michigan baseball cap, and a fully decked-out Michigan suit. This company clearly wants Michigan students if they ventured out of their offices to the middle of nowhere (Midwest), so make up for your lackluster GPA, your minimal involvement in clubs that you’re only on the listserv for, and your lack of any tangible skills by reminding your recruiter that you were once a motivated person in high school and somehow got into this school!
4.) Follow-up on the follow-up on the follow-up on the follow-up:
Everyone loves sending awkward networking emails to recruiters who don’t care that you “had an amazing experience learning about how many coffee machines in the office have broken the past week” after your conversation with them, so make those unanswered emails have even more impact with even more emails! Every hour on the hour that the Deloitte recruiter leaves you unanswered, let them know you’re still alive, you’re still breathing, and you’re still trying to sell your soul to corporate America! Not sure if electronic restraining orders actually exist, but this recruiter will for sure remember who you are once they have to block you on all forms of professional social media!
3.) Track them down and kidnap them:
Probably most ideal (and easy!) if you’re applying for a job at the CIA, this one will take a few steps. First, call every hotel in the Ann Arbor area and ask for where they are staying (if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll even get their credit card information). Afterwards, call every restaurant in the Ann Arbor area and figure out where they are going to dinner that evening. Coincidentally show up to dinner and follow them home, until you slyly get their Social Security number out of them. Eventually, you’ll just be able to hack into their company’s internal system and just give yourself the job!
2.) Hand them a copy of your mixtape along with your resume:
Recruiters are so sick and tired of the generic 4.0 Econ student whose hobby is “reading the Wall Street Journal for fun,” so switch things up a bit and expose your greatest talents–your fire mixtape. Let them basically beg for you, since they know you have a promising future as a SoundCloud DJ and you don’t need them, but they actually need you.
If your resume is printed on an 8.5 x 11 in. sheet of paper, you’ve already done it wrong. What on earth are you thinking? Every other student has the same exact resume format as you, so they’ll obviously be unable to differ yours from the rest. Here are some ideas to express your “soft skills” in their greatest lights:
– Cover it in mud and add a few rips:
You’re a hard worker, who does not stop for anything, even career fair. Literally foolproof, the scent of the mud in the recruiter’s briefcase will force them to look back at your resume one more time.
– Add a scent and some neon colors:
You’re detail oriented, creative, and light-hearted, but probably have the maturity level of a 5 year old.
– Make your resume just a nude photo of you:
You’re open minded and bold, you know how to make a first impression, but you may get a physical restraining order for this one.